It’s not every day a highly specialized composting toilet is purchased as a wedding gift. I mean, nothing says “this marriage is forever!” quite like a composting toilet. But alas, much like seeing undigested corn in my fecal containment area, I was confused by a lot of things in your marriage.

Celebrated Bayville Middle School substitute teacher, Charlie Craver, is at the center of some controversy recently, after accidentally exposing himself to a student as she was cutting across his property on her way home from the bus stop.

FRIDAY ME: Walking into the office just now, I felt this unexpected rush of gratitude and optimism. I can’t pinpoint why, exactly. Maybe it was the flowers in the courtyard or the friendly faces of our co-workers. Whatever the case, I’m so happy to be alive and to have this job, and I can truly say to you, “Good morning, brother.”

In many ways, Andy Nosticia is your average college graduate. He has a menial office job, still hasn’t figured out why his company faxes anything, is severely disillusioned, drinks his wine from a coffee mug because all his other dishes are dirty, and of course, he doesn’t have his shit together.

You might think patchouli, but that’s not what I mean. I mean spicy shoes left to fumigate by the door. Acrid plastic yoga mats made in China that will take Vedic ages of rebirth to break down in a landfill. Gluten-free soy candles blessed by Peruvian shamans that cost an arm and a leg. Burned sage sitting on top of a seven-layer dip of cologne created by human bodies in motion.