Those who have never hated anyone, for example children under ten years old or saints, often don’t know how to show hatred for deserving hateful people, or even what that feeling is like. By rights they should hate quite a few people, as we all should, and yet they are blocked. At most they feel a vague dismay and insecurity in the presence of repulsive others, or become queasy at the thought that so many folks out there are obnoxious jerks, but they can’t summon the proper attitudes of derision and disdain that all these unmitigated asses so richly deserve. Yet by following a few simple rules they can break through this barrier of reticence and let their justified hatred pour forth.

Grant Sims revolutionized technology. His early death saddened us, but we shouldn’t ever forget that he put all of himself into the products we enjoy today. Now, not forgetting this, we should also know he was human. So let’s allow the man a flaw or two without losing sight of what he meant to us.

Congratulations! You finally made it. I know the appeals process can be a nightmare—all those ups and downs. Will they, won’t they, will they, won’t they. Turns out: they won’t. Your patience is appreciated. No more waiting, now. Good things are coming to you. We’ve made a lot of changes around here lately, and I think you’re going to like what we’ve done with the place.

Turkish Cotton Towel Set, 6 Piece, $150

These are very nice towels, but I just don’t know why they need two sets of them. One for bathing, and one for banging? But these are too pricey for that. Sophomore year, she was hooking up a lot and had a towel – I think it was purple, at least originally – that she called “the splooge towel.” She always washed separately. I kept asking her, “Why do we need a towel? What’s coming out of there, exactly?” She wouldn’t answer me. But when the time came, I was so worried that I used two towels. Then I texted her afterward, and she told me she was proud of me, and I was so giddy that I didn’t ask if she meant the towels or the sex-having.

I knew it wouldn’t last when Charlie picked out the plastic container for the half dozen cookies she insisted I take home. The box and the lid were different brands. They didn’t quite fit, and she was too impatient and uncaring to find the correct halves in her messy cupboard. She forced the lid, telling me it didn’t matter. We clearly had different priorities. When I called to thank her for the cookies, which she had made from scratch and which were very good, I told her we weren’t going to work out. She didn’t want her container back. I was tempted to throw it out, but decided the two halves might be useful someday, and added them to my collection.