“Discussion and Debate in Hurricane Heaven,” by Warren J. Cox

Apr 20th, 2018 | By | Category: Fiction, Prose

If you were a hurricane hanging out with other hurricanes in hurricane heaven, you might get caught up in some interesting conversation. Hurricane So-And-So might say: “I made eight, EIGHT, different landfalls. I was fierce, boy. I was a baaaaaad storm.”

Hurricane So-On-And-So-Forth might counter: “Yeah but you know what, I made only two landfalls, but I devastated huge swaths of Texas, many towns, huge swaths.” And Hurricane So-On-And-So-Forth might have a very wild look in its one large hurricane eye as it gestured circularly with spiral arm and emphasized ‘huge swaths.’

Hurricane Moody Sadie might interject, “The bottom line is how many humans did you manage to snuff out? And did you take out any crazy weather reporters obnoxious and arrogant enough to confront you in your path? You know those attention seekers hoping to ‘capture’ you. Because getting one of those or a member of their camera crew counts for a hundred regular folk.”

Hurricane Ivory Tower Liberal Intellectual Jamison, though, might pipe up in defense of humans, alarmed at the direction of the comments. “Hey don’t be so hard on humans. Many among our new generations may never have even been born, may never have gotten a chance to live and shine, so to speak, if it weren’t for humans and their fossil fuel addiction and devil-may-care approach to climate change. I mean Yes it’s kind of undeniably fun and satisfying to terrorize these puny little earth dwellers—though I would argue it’s quite sufficient to watch them scrambling for cover or attempting last-second evacuation, but at the same time we should be giving credit where credit is due, and we should be admitting that humans are our allies. There’s a synergy there.”

But Hurricane Doubting Thomas might get a little agitated at this point and feel compelled to speak, in the name of fairness and balance: “Don’t you get all high and mighty about how we should be buddying up to humans, it’s not totally proven that climate change is contributing to higher frequency of intense storms like us. I’m not ready to give Homo sapiens that much credit. I’m not ready to say that that piffling little species of pretentious bickerers is basically like a race of gods—a bunch of Zeuses driving around, flying around in their jets, and in this way are essentially our Creators. I myself believe in the Universe as our Creator.”

Hurricane Yoko Ono Gandhi might speak next. “Believe what you choose, but enough with the hatred of the humans! Is there no peace in our hearts? Hurricanes, be nice! Whether or not climate change is helping our population grow more robust and our hurricane heaven therefore more lively and thriving, we should not view humans as mere bickerers and lowly beings. I mean, yes, a strong one of us can devastate several of their cities or suburban areas and could with sufficient rushing water easily cause, say, a bridge and any associated on- and off-ramps and sections of roadway to crumble like—oh what would be equivalent for them?—like an overturned dish piled high with gluten-free sandwich rolls, but that doesn’t mean we need to be vicious toward them. We are more powerful, sure, but they have longer life spans; plus they are creative and, you know, mammalian. We can respect them and try to live in peace, and when one of us is born we can tear through their lands and neighborhoods while trying to sidestep them as much as possible.”

Hurricane What’s-His-Face might jump in the debate here: “Okay Yes I partly agree with that, but at the same time I want to remind us all of another reason to value humans. Some of you might be forgetting that humans are the chief reason it is so much damn fun to make landfall in the first place, and to push on as far as we can possibly muster before slowing down and dissipating into a mere smattering of raindrops and eventually oblivion. All those houses they build, all those businesses and billboards and street signs, all those bridges and overpasses you just alluded to, and those telephone and power lines, those things make it so much more worthwhile—I mean, I know some of our ancestors like to say they really communed with Nature back in the day when they went pushing inland, but I wouldn’t trade my experience of destroying so much shit for that! I had the time of my life after making landfall! I even caused two transformers to explode on those vaunted power lines of theirs, and it was absolutely thrilling. I mean, BOOOOMMMM! I don’t know how to explain how amazing that felt. Meanwhile, we should be feeling sorry for humans, because the closest they can get to an experience like that is—what?— going bowling, while I got to be the ultimate bowling ball. And even though I didn’t bowl what they would call a strike, I did knock down tons of their pins, so to speak! Including two bowling alleys, if you count the one whose roof partially collapsed two days after I passed through.”

Hurricane Yup-Yup might enthusiastically confirm this perspective: “Heck yes, yup yup! I totally agree. Flipping trees onto trailer homes, totally flooding residential streets and watching parked cars go floating aimlessly and the waterline rise up almost to the doorbells, turning lawn chairs into projectiles, breaking windows and ripping off roofs, I mean those are the types of things our ancestors didn’t really get to experience. And we need to thank the humans’ development and industriousness for this. For Universe’s sake these are exciting times! The lives of hurricanes, and the memories we can take and share, are so vivid and fulfilling! The sky’s the limit, I say.”

And the debate might continue like this, until it was agreed to adjourn and retire to the TV area, where you and all Hurricanes liked to sit and chill and zone out awhile before bed.


Warren J. Cox lives and writes in lovely southern Virginia, where he also works as an editor and artist. Beyond creating he is passionate about human rights, animal welfare, and tennis. And humor! His work has appeared previously in Eunoia Review, Empty Mirror, Ducts, Fluland, Intrinsick, and elsewhere. You can find him on Twitter @WarrenJCox.

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