If I had a talking dog I would train it to have a reasonable debate with the postman rather than viciously attacking him. It could politely ask:

“What are you doing in my garden? Please get out of my garden.”

And the postman would reply:

“Please don’t be cross, I have letters for you, they are replies from all those celebrities you write to.”

Generally speaking, my vintage trumpet, a Bach Stradivarius, has been an obedient, often delightful, and even comforting companion. She—no way around it, it’s a she—has never complained about being shut up in her case and ignored for days, or for being treated as carry-on luggage, or for resting bell down on a stand that sticks up into her gut… Just pick her up, jiggle her three valves, blow a few warm breathes into her mouth, and she’s ready to go. It’s true that on occasion we’ve had our little spats, disagreements over, say, triple tonguing (which she hates) or sorting out the low C sharp which stubbornly refuses to stay on pitch. “It’s not me,” she says, “it’s you!” To which I respond by flushing her out with soapy water.

Remember that? Remember rollerblading? We used to do that! All the time! We should do that again! C’mon! Let’s go rollerblading!

Yeah, I’m serious. Mine are in that old sports crate in the garage. You know, the one with that empty racquetball can, maroon neoprene elbow sleeve, and my rollerblades! Purchased in 1987, 1991, and 1993, respectively. My kneepads are in there, too, although I didn’t see my wrist guards. I was always losing my wrist guards. Fudge! I bet we could find your rollerblades. I bet we could. Let’s find ‘em!

Friends of newly co-habitated couple, Sarah Smith and Jonathan Friend, were shocked this past Friday to learn the dinner party they’d been invited to at the couple’s new apartment was really just an excuse to show off their appliances.

“We were really looking forward to the party,” reports Sasha Liebowitz. “We hadn’t seen either of them in awhile, and who can resist Sarah’s famous stuffed mushrooms?”

“Don’t forget those mini hot dogs,” adds her husband, Seth. “I’d drop anything for one of those.”

Good evening, everyone. My name is Mort Stephenson. I’m the Workshop Coordinator and Director of Interpersonal Relations from Human Resources, and this is my assistant, Jennifer Longley. We’re here with you tonight for a truly historic occasion: Pizza Hut’s very first sensitivity training session for Intergalactic Customer Relations!

I want to emphasize how proud we all are to be part of a forward-thinking organization like Pizza Hut. We are really in there on the ground floor, pioneers ushering in the new age. We don’t know, we really can’t know, what that’s going to look like, but Pizza Hut is going to be ready.