“School Shooter Sues Professor,” by Sara Backer

Apr 24th, 2013 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Central Junction City–Convicted gunman Wilbur Zeus Grindwell, serving a life sentence at Inman Penitentiary, is now suing his English professor for her role in his attack on fellow college students at Central Junction College last semester that killed 10 and wounded 7 students and staff. Grindwell claims the professor, Dr. Janella Rondeau, encouraged him to stage his assault on her Writing 101 class with a semi-automatic Ruger SR-556.

Grindwell said that Rondeau “didn’t make clear” that mass homicide was not allowed in class.  “It wasn’t mentioned in the syllabus,” he said. “How was I supposed to know I shouldn’t do it?”

CJC Chancellor Dane Pluck says Dr. Rondeau is currently suspended while a full investigation proceeds. “This goes against the spirit of higher education,” Pluck said. “We are talking about a highly disruptive factor to creating a student-friendly learning environment. We can’t have our teachers condoning or facilitating this.”

English department Chair Rod Chair (real name) believes Dr. Rondeau’s heroic intervention that saved the lives of half the class should be taken into consideration. “She took a bullet for her students.  Let’s not forget that. However, the Syllabus Committee is deeply disappointed with her lapse in explicit instruction for classroom behavior.”

Chair confirmed other English professors include this provision in their syllabuses. “If we don’t tell them exactly what to do in writing, how will they learn to be tomorrow’s thinkers and leaders?”

One of Dr. Rondeau’s colleagues (who declined to give her name) stated: “I always include “no homicide” in my syllabus, along with “no arson” and “no nudity”.  In fact, I include the entire State legal code and have each student sign a contract agreeing to abide by State and Federal laws.”  Asked if she thought this would deter an unstable gunman, she shrugged, saying: “It might not prevent them from shooting, but it could prevent them from suing.”

Dr. Rondeau, still recovering from gunshot wounds in her left lung and throat that she received while struggling to subdue Grindwell, had no comment. Rondeau’s lawyer said he hoped to get the suit thrown out. “Everyone knows State and federal laws supersede a syllabus. This is just another frivolous lawsuit from an entitled brat who wants to blame his sorry-ass life on an English teacher.”


Defenestration-Sara Backer2Sara Backer, author of the novel American Fuji, lives half her life as a deadly serious English teacher and the other half as a comic strip character. Her writing has most recently appeared in Asimov’s Science Fiction Magazine and Journal of Compressed Creative Arts and is forthcoming in PANK.

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