“The Suburban Cowboy Catalogue,” by Michael Gillan Maxwell

Apr 10th, 2013 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

The Suburban Cowboy Old West Snack Platter

It’s quiet out there. Too quiet. Dust devils spin like drunken dervish dancers and scraggly tumbleweeds cartwheel through desolate streets. You lean back on your chair outside the front door of Miss Kitty’s and listen to the tinkling honky tonk piano, waiting for something, anything, to happen. A red headed stranger appears out of nowhere, riding bareback on a lean and hungry, spotted feral mustang named Cassius.

Fortunately, you have just the thing for those potentially awkward moments when strangers ride into town unexpectedly. The Old West Snack Platter, a saucy array of frontier treats presented on an authentic repurposed stagecoach wagon wheel. Serve up a heapin’ helpin’ of hand jerked Buffalo Pemican, Old 49er Sourdough Biscuits, Line Camp Bacon ‘n Beans, Prickly Pear Piquant Picante Sauce and Shepherd’s Poo Poo Platter Prairie Muffins. Wash it all down with Cactus Jack’s Red Eye, craft distilled in small batches and aged in recycled gunpowder barrels. The Old West Snack Platter will have buckaroos and cowpokes in your bunk house clamoring for more.

The Suburban Cowboy Old West Snack Platter Item # 4625 $49.99 


The Suburban Cowboy Stagecoach Shotgun Ensemble

Don’t let those mountains fool you. They’re a good day’s ride from here. You’re ridin’ shotgun on the stage coach from Tuscon to Tucumcari. It’s a rough trip through wild country, a gauntlet through 600 miles of hostile Indians, cranky conquistadors, disgruntled desperadoes, high plains drifters, rattlesnakes, scorpions, Texas blue northers and lightning bolts that even Pecos Bill couldn’t ride. This is no time for tragic fashion choices. You’ll be ready for anything in duds you can count on in The Suburban Cowboy Stagecoach Shotgun Ensemble.

The linchpin of this get-up is the Pinkerton Waxed Cotton Duster ~ exclusively wefted and warped by artisanal weavers high in the Italian Dolomites. Cavernous pockets deep enough to swallow your Riverboat Gambler Pearl Handled Derringer and Last Man Standing Alamo Bowie Knife with hand tooled scrimshaw blade. (Both Suburban Cowboy Catalogue exclusives) Lined in cozy Portuguese flannel to keep out the high desert chill on unseasonably brisk evenings.

This duster covers a lot of real estate so you won’t even need to wear jeans under this daring pair of Galloping Goatskin Chaps. Fashioned from supple, hand distressed goatskin in a World War II vintage leather tannery, the leather is over dyed and meticulously tanned to a buff sheen. You’ll be on permanent booty call in your hand stitched Komodo Dragon Leapin’ Lizard Boots and hand tooled Mexican Frito Bandito Bandolier. You won’t need no stinkin’ badges with this bandolier! Cover your noggin with our Haberdasher’s Orgasm, dress fur felt fedora with grosgrain sweatband. Nothing ties this outfit together like our signature, handwoven Simply Silk Lariat and the coup de grâce is a one-of-a-kind Braided Dreadlock Bullwhip in rich Corinthian leather.

The Suburban Cowboy Stagecoach Shotgun Ensemble Item # 4626    $3500


Defenestration-Generic Male 01Michael Gillan Maxwell is a teller of tales, singer of songs and part-time shaman, prone to random outbursts, spontaneous combustion and breaking into song without any warning.

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