I get quite confused by where a comma goes. Does it go here, or there, does it connect an independent clause after or before a conjunction? Does it depend on the conjunction’s politics, smoking habits, or sexual preference? If the conjunction has a history of spousal abuse can it really be trusted with the custody of a dependent clause, and does it deserve the use of a comma? After all, a comma is a privilege, not a right.

I die at seventeen, because I’m currently twenty-one, so dying at seventeen would make me either invincible or the proud owner of a time machine. I’ll go with the latter.

I buy my time machine at forty-four, because you could call predicting a type of four-shadowing. Since I’m smart enough to make that clever little play on words, I’m smart enough to know I won’t be inventing a time machine any time soon.

IF ( stomach = empty )

THEN ( run action: cry )

IF ( stomach = full )

THEN ( run action: poop )

This is completely hypothetical. It’s also an image.

Dear JANE SMITH

A message from your friends at Peapod. You may shop anytime, anywhere. Our personal shoppers are currently working to assemble your order. We greatly appreciate the trust you place in us.

Sincerely,
The Peapod Team.