The End is Nigh! Or, at least, on your Outlook calendar. Along with the demise of modern civilization comes The Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse, sent here by God to reboot His divine judgement. Prepare yourselves to recognize the signs of their impending descent.

Schools implement a dizzying assortment of district-mandated procedures for teachers and students: No Child Left Behind, 21st Century initiatives, and The Common Core. The latest rollout: The Tomato Method. How’s it going? Let’s find out.

Old and creepy is the new modern minimalist. Fuelled by series like Netflix’s The Haunting of Hill House, millennials have been leaving their city lofts in droves to find freedom and frights in the country.

[Cast thou eyes upon a shambling, wretched, pock-marked woman, cloaked in filth. Dark music doth bellow through the howling winds from a bladder pipe and frame drum.]

“Hi! I’m Christy. Yes, I can tell you about FAQ. What would you like to know? I’m sorry, I did not catch that. What would you like to know? What would you like to know? Okay! You’d like to know about FAQ!”