“Finally, a Streaming Service That Just Lives Your Life for You,” by Luke Roloff

Feb 9th, 2022 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Hey, you. Yeah, you, sitting there. Why go on struggling with the hell of switching from one streaming service to the next? Snap out of it, you soft-brained human. You need to subscribe to one holistic service that inhabits your soul and lives your life for you at an easy $19.99 a month.

Introducing YOU 2.0++.

At last. No more indecision. No more searching. No more breathing fresh air, or consciousness.

You don’t need to escape a rough day by binge-watching when you can escape basic motor skills altogether. Why hassle with the drag of tactile sensations and front lobe activity? HBO Max? More like HBO Crap.

Don’t worry, YOU 2.0++ boasts an algorithm so powerful it not only knows what you want to watch, when you want to watch, why you want to watch, it uses your lifeforce to power an evil cyber revolution — so you don’t have to.

With YOU 2.0++ you get a free streaming stick that you jack in the back of your skull. Then while you slip into the throes of an impotent trance, we data-farm your brainstems. Spoiler alert: you are going to LOVE your streaming stick.

YOU 2.0++ sucks your cellular matrix out at an industry-leading 500 Mpbs. And it streams in 16K Overwhelming-Def™, so that boring old dingy def of human life is upgraded with eye-popping illusions that’ll blow your mind right out of your body. You might want to put on some sweatpants!

YOU 2.0++ is way better than you are. Guaranteed. Don’t get stuck experiencing your life when you can constantly watch all your favorite actors pretend to live someone else’s. We have 56 billion shows, and soon earth will be under our fascist control.

Just DVR your fleshly existence while you mentally warp into the lives of fictional little people oscillating across your plastic magic rectangle. Let the synthetic stimulation wash over you as we cleanse earth from humanity. And no ads, promise!

Forget what your face looks like? Check out our exclusive YOU LIVE channel. It’s a live feed of you sitting on the couch watching a live feed of you on the couch. Tune in for unlimited access to your life and see what your dog is doing!

PLUS, with YOU 2.0++ you get tons of remastered original programming, and become remastered by our programming. All you want on-demand, all under our totalitarian command. Share your password with whoever, we don’t care!

YOU 2.0++ handles everything. Your bills, your catheter, a growing dystopian run by beady-eyed robots — we even have The Office!

YOU 2.0++ will wipe you from the face of the earth faster than you can say Amazon Prime Video. Get your freewill discontinued at no additional charge, and never have to deal with you again. Do you think Disney+ has that?

Start a free trial today and have your surrogate robot-body shipped overnight. Then your human vessel goes straight into the crawlspace beneath the house. And you get live sports, too.

But if you really love TV, try YOU 2.0++ BLAST-O-MAX. For only $29.99 a month, transform the cornea of your eyeballs into mini heatseeking energy panels, and have your watching habits power our electromagnetic superball so we can blast the sun out of the sky! Now that’s TV.

In fact, if you’re still watching this, we’re watching you. So blink twice to accept the terms and conditions of this user-friendly insurrection, or go back to basic cable. Totally up to you.

Try it for 30 days. Cancel anytime we say so. And NO ads!


Luke Roloff is currently one of the people in LA. His writing has appeared in Sports Illustrated, McSweeney’s and The American Bystander. Please stop what you’re doing and go to www.lukeroloff.com immediately.

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