So I head for the MVA Express Office in Kenilworth Mall with my foot in a cast to replace my missing driver’s license and I get there at ten to stand in line just long enough to read all the signs: We Only Do Licenses Not Tags, Leave Expired Tags Here, Register to Vote Here, and No Smoking Food or Beverages, and that was okay, me no longer smoking food or beverages.

R. Carey, D.D.S.: Thanks for sitting down with me briefly to talk about your accomplishments. I want you to know that, if at any point during our talk, I seem aggressive or pressing, I’m just playing devil’s advocate.

G. Clark, D.D.S.: Fair enough. But I’d like you to know that the following topics are completely off limits—

RC: Actually, if you don’t mind, I prefer not to know in advance. I’m skilled at reading nonverbal cues as a means of discerning proximity to taboo subjects. An important part of genuine interview is being able to play this psychological game of verbal mine-sweeper.

Since my days as a teacher in South Korea, I have been intrigued by ESL (English as a Second Language) instruction. After receiving further certification in the area, it occurred to me that there was one important sector of life which English had failed to conquer: birds.

Recently, The New Yorker magazine published its list of young writers to watch, the much-blogged about 20 Under 40. As if in reply, the National Book Foundation announced their own, marginally younger, ranking: 5 Under 35. And Granta has been publishing British and American young writer lists like this since the 80s, but made a change this past year when it brought out its “Best Young Spanish-Language Novelists” issue. The youngest writer in that group is twenty-nine years old.

Listen kid, I’ve been in this business since 1927. You don’t publish 400 Hardy Boys books and not learn a little something about the writing game. The only person who’s been at this thing as long as I have is Carolynn Keene and if you’ve ever read one of her Nancy Drew mysteries you know what a no-talent hack she is. But I digress. You wanna learn how to be a writer. And what with all these overpriced liberal arts schools crapping out second-rate writers left and right these days, you’re not alone. You’re gonna need a leg up.