What happened to the music? What have we become? Johnny Logo® and the Trademarks™ used to be about car commercial guitar riffs and personal injury lawyer jingles, man. Now Johnny Logo® fears he’s the front man of a band that’s forgotten its soul, and is instead making harmonious art that expresses emotion.

Well guess what: Fuck that noise. Unless we get back to our roots, Johnny Logo® is going it alone.

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1. “I Didn’t Reject You; You Weren’t Even Eligible To Apply In The First Place,” Says Lesbian To Straight Man

You, specifically, are being watched by a crow. Not “people in general.” Not “someone out there.” You. This is not a metaphor. This is not a spiritual fable. This is not a goth phase. This is science. We have charts. We have caw-based data. We have a control group that accidentally summoned a parliament of ravens instead (they’re fine now, mostly).

Over a 24-month observational study funded by a grant we may have misunderstood (thank you, Department of Unusual Phenomena and Municipal Pigeon Control), our team conclusively determined that a crow has selected you—yes, you reading this—to be its permanent subject of anthropological curiosity, judgment, and occasional sabotage.

Existential fear has descended upon the venerable stacks of the Silicon Valley College library. Darkness at Noon is among the first to feel it, and not just because of the rat-tat-tatting of jackhammers. Something ominous is also taking place inside: library personnel are yanking cartloads of books off the shelves, denuding them of their spines and covers, feeding them page-by-page into scanners, reassembling them, and as a final outrage packing them into metal bins.