Winslow puts up this sign at every party he’s ever thrown. It gives him a way to claim whatever gets left behind without resorting to the ridiculous lost-and-found box Ben keeps in the hall closet next to the large Tupperware bin full of craft supplies. Winslow has amassed quite a collection of abandoned items: watches, jewelry, cell phones, underpants.

It’s no secret that Paris is one of the world’s truly magical getaway destinations. Renowned far and wide for its art, culture, and world-class dining, a Parisian vacation will soon have even the Beastliest visitor overcome by its Beauty. But in a city cock-full of so many amazing things to see, do and eat, how can anyone be sure that they’re making the most of their European adventure? Well, fear not “mon ami”—I’ve just gotten back from a three-day, two-night stay in “The City By The Lights,” and I’ve compiled the ultimate Insider’s Guide that will soon have you cheering “oui oui!” just like you were a local!

I’ve compiled a few recipes for your drinking pleasure over the next unbearable four (eight?) years.

I don’t even know why Ben would ask Winslow this kind of question. Of course Winslow’s ready for the party. He’s ready for every party. He’s had lots of practice partying with attractive women and famous celebrities. I would have mentioned some of those celebrities, but the last time I did that one of the celebrities died a week and a half later. Seriously. (Sorry, Meshach Taylor.)

I used to have a difficult period. In my teens it would come upon me unannounced at 38 days or 43 days, whenever my uterus decided to get busy. By my early twenties, things had pretty much settled down and my period had become just another small nuisance to be taken care of. Most important was making sure that I was prepared for it. Not being prepared for it on one occasion had led to my crowning moment of street attitude, followed shortly by my crowning moment of street humiliation.