This is a lot of vending machines full of products I’ve never seen before. I think Winslow and Kurt must still be in Japan.

In a statement to the press this week, Coca Cola reflected on the recent release of their new marketing campaign—“Share a Coke, Passive Aggressively.”

This is the second time Winslow has been hanging around in someone else’s bathroom when legs are being shaved. I swear I don’t have a weird thing about this sort of thing, but being married for a million years gives you a fascinating look at women’s grooming habits, and I feel like I need to share this information with all the single guys out there who have an unrealistic view of womanhood.

I’m not disabled, just a terrible person. The boyfriend sometimes accuses me of being manic when I write to him at 3:30 a.m. calling him a magnificent, exotic pitcher plant or a gorgeously ornamented egg-cup. But not disabled — I feel like that’s an important piece of information before we start.

Good morning or possibly afternoon (or night)! Welcome to the April 2017 issue of Defenestration! And if I’m here welcoming you to a new issue, that also means I’m sitting at my computer the night before this issue goes live, wondering what the heck I should be writing about for my editorial. I mean, I could tell you about all the stuff you get to read this month, which may or may not include clown removal, jabberwockies, interesting clothes, dead bodies, ballet, and a bear named Doug.