“Organic Milk Is Over: Fund the Arts!” by Michael Don

Jan 29th, 2025 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Dear Applicant:

Congratulations! You’ve been selected out of a field of 783 applicants as the first ever 505 Avondale Pl. Writer-in-Residence. Below you’ll find all the information you need for what we hope will be a highly productive stay.

Our History

As adjunct professors in philosophy and Latin American Studies, we try to eat as healthy as possible in an effort to avoid relying on our so-called healthcare (healthscare?) plan—a lifestyle choice that involves the regular purchase of various unaffordable items such as organic milk. Last month our world was rocked when we heard a segment on NPR about how most organic milk is just a drop better than conventional milk. We made the switch back to conventional milk, and though we found ourselves missing the organic label and the way it made us feel, we also found ourselves with an extra $7 a month.

Our first thought was to save up to buy a subscription to The Chronicle of Higher Education, but we worried that reading beyond the free headlines would precipitate a mental health tailspin. Then we considered a cat condo for the cat, but it turns out cat condos are bulky and easy to judge. Then we asked ourselves, what is it that we really want in our lives besides a secure job, livable wage, and professional, societal, and familial respect? The answer came fast: we wanted to spend more time around creative people and get the creative juices flowing through our hopefully-lead-free-pipes. And thus, our two-hour, third-Saturday of the month writing residency was born.

Amenities

  • A one square foot workspace at our eating table (excuse our stacks of mail, we’ll get to them over the summer, but for now there’s nowhere else to put them)
  • Thirty minutes of access to a power outlet (honor system)
  • One cup of Rooibos tea (if you don’t find any fresh bags, use the one that’s sitting in the little white Ikea bowl next to the stove, should still have plenty of life)
  • Any leftovers that have been in the fridge for over a week (if it’s unlabeled, just go ahead and help yourself)
  • Fresh honeysuckle – clippers are by the window (take home a piece of your residency, while helping us extricate the house from this invasive weed)
  • Toilet and sink access (please note that we only flush at noon and midnight)
  • For your focusing needs, the router will be unplugged upon your arrival (WiFi password is grading247 in case you want to get plugged, no judgment)
  • Cat petting (at your own risk)

Directions

Use Google Maps like any normal person to get to 505 Avondale, but DO NOT go into 505 Avondale because our address is actually 505 ½ Avondale. It’s the house at the end of our landlord’s driveway set back from the road. Our landlord will most likely be looking out the window when you pass by. If you don’t mind, it would be best if you wore brown and carried a cardboard box because he has been known to get a little spooked by visitors who aren’t delivering mail or packages.

Upon Arrival

Let yourself in. We’ll be in our shared office across from the bathroom and will try our best not to sigh, cry, fart or sneeze during your two-hour residency. We want you to feel relaxed and at home. Bound copies of our novels and poetry manuscripts will be left in your workspace. There is no need to read them, this is a writing residency, not a reading residency! However, if you hit writer’s block (a well-known entity in this house) and want to take a look, feel free to lose yourself in there. And if you happen to love our writing, feel free to borrow the manuscripts and pass them around.

Cleaning Up

We’ve heard that some writers do their best thinking while performing menial tasks such as loading the dishwasher. With that in mind, we’ve left a sink full of dishes for you. It should go without saying that we don’t expect you to load our dishwasher, but we wanted to make sure you had the opportunity. Please make sure to rinse thoroughly before loading.

Cat

The cat will be fed and is a real pro at not shitting on the floor. However, if you happen to be taller than 5’10, shorter than 5’4, have a beard, wear capris, corduroy, plaid or denim, she might be a little bitchy towards you. If you would like to ingratiate yourself with her, consider donning an elegant but simple black dress underneath your UPS browns.

Again, congratulations. We hope you have a productive stay and at the very least, it’s a line on your CV.

Write on,

Dr. Angela Wencis and Dr. Bradley Zelinski

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Michael Don is the author of the story collection Partners and Strangers, a professor at George Mason University, and according to his six-year-old housemate, he is “the most annoying person in the world.”

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