Kitchen Faucet
Really good. Pull up the handle and water comes out of it and doesn’t stop until you put the handle back down. Thought maybe there was a limit to the amount of water that could come out of it, but I’ve let it run for upwards of eighty-six hours on multiple occasions and it has never shown any signs of slowing. Seemingly has access to unlimited H2O. A quick google search suggests that “approximately 3.5 million people die each year due to inadequate water supply.” They should come to my apartment.
Oven / Microwave
I would like to compare and contrast these two items. The oven is basically fire. You turn it on and it is a metal box with fire inside. It does what fire does. You put things in it and it makes them hotter than they were before, or sometimes it transforms a thing into a new thing. For example, last week I put dough in it and when I pulled out the dough it was fourteen butterscotch cookies.
The microwave performs the same functions as the oven except it doesn’t use fire. It’s not completely clear how the microwave accomplishes this. You put stuff in it, and it spins the stuff around in a circle while a little light bulb turns on, and then when you take out the stuff, the stuff is hot. I don’t really get it. I tried spinning a plate of apple slices near my bedroom lamp, but it did nothing except I got a little dizzy. I tried turning the microwave on with the door open to inspect it, but it refused to do so. A quick google search on microwaves returns nothing but a host of conspiracy theories concerning invisible forces. But, in any case, it works. The microwave makes things hot much faster than the oven does. As such, I rate it a significantly better item. I will be selling my oven to the highest bidder and using the funds to buy more microwaves.
Cat
Extremely smart. Can eat and pee and poop all by herself. Figured out how to open every door in my apartment, of which there are five. In the morning, she lies in my lap and purrs and I feel the joy of God in my bones. Gray with black stripes. As far as cons go, sometimes she tears at my skin with her nails.
My Girlfriend
Even smarter than my cat. Frequently says words in patterns of succession that I don’t understand. For example, yesterday, she said “Granular reconceptualization of the modes of Hamlet’s physical intertextuality reveals an oft misconstrued homoerotic sublimation.” This is something she said to me. She also says many singular words I do not know. For example, last week, she said, “Metonimee.” I am not even sure I spelled that correctly. My girlfriend is studying to get a PhD in English Literature even though she can already read English. For purposes of this review, I asked her why and she responded by scrunching her nose. My nickname for her is “schnookums,” a classic. My girlfriend’s nickname for me is that she calls me her “very special guy.” My girlfriend says I have golden retriever energy which concerns me because she is allergic to dogs. My girlfriend’s proportions are 32-28-37. She is 63 inches tall. Her cranium is exceedingly large, probably on account of knowing so many words that I do not. As far as cons go, sometimes she tears at my skin with her nails.
My Girlfriend’s Gal Pal, Tessa
Often in my apartment. Very skinny and has curly black hair. The only non-skinny parts of her are two fat lips which are usually blue or purple or pink. Says things to my girlfriend and my girlfriend says things to her, and then they chuckle and grab each other’s arms, and when I ask what is so funny, they say sorry it’s girl talk. Sometimes enters the bathroom when my girlfriend is already inside, and when I knock and ask what they’re doing in there, they say sorry it’s girl talk. Three to five times a month, sleeps overnight on my couch, and my girlfriend gets out of bed in the middle of the night and says she feels bad for her and that she’s going to keep her company, and then they sleep on the same couch for the rest of the night, and when I ask how their sleep was in the morning, they say sorry it’s girl talk. Knows everything that happens in the world of fashion. Like we’ll be eating lunch in the kitchen and she’ll say, “Striped corduroy is back,” in a matter-of-fact, authoritative tone. Or when Kate Moss killed herself, she knew all the details. Brings clothes to my apartment and says to my girlfriend “try this” and “how about this” and “oh, but this, try this.” Talks about people that only exist in books with my girlfriend; she will say something like, “Total Madame Bovary move,” and my girlfriend will say, “Yuuuuup,” and I will say, “Who’s that?” and they will say sorry it’s girl talk, and then when I look it up later it’s a fake person from a book. If my girlfriend leaves us alone in the same room, Tessa looks at her cell phone and calls people on it. I do not like Tessa.
Engagement Ring
Represents my prospective lifelong bond with my girlfriend. My girlfriend does not know I have acquired it, nor that it’s in the apartment. I have hidden it underneath a floorboard. It is made of morganite. Morganite is softer than diamond but still hard, and so I chose it to represent to my girlfriend that my love for her is strong and forever, but not rigid; that as she changes I will be able to as well, that my love is malleable to whatever path she takes. I plan to propose to my girlfriend next weekend. I plan to make her favorite dish—Spaghetti Bolognese—and light expensive candles and pour judicious amounts of red wine. Then, since she loves book things, I plan to hit her with a reference to a famous story. I did a google search for the best stories and one that sounded good was “The Tell-Tale Heart.” Halfway through the meal, I am going to jump up and shout, “I admit the deed! Tear up the planks! Here, here!” Then I will rip open the floorboard to reveal the ring.
Book
Has the words “The Price of Salt” written on its front. This morning it was sitting on my kitchen table. I tried to read it, in case anything inside could be used for the proposal, but I spilled a drop of coffee on the first page. I ran it under the sink (see section “Kitchen Faucet”) but it just made the whole thing worse and soggy and unreadable. My girlfriend then hurt me with her nails (see section “My Girlfriend”). She said that it wasn’t even her book, that Tessa (see section “My Girlfriend’s Gal Pal, Tessa”) lent it to her and now my girlfriend was going to feel like a real jerk. I told my girlfriend that since it was just a fictional story we could make up a new one, and then my girlfriend put her index fingers to her temples and did a short scream which I couldn’t tell whether it was supposed to be a joke thing, like a book thing, or serious.
Television
Composed of plastic and an extremely dark mirror. Shows images and makes sounds. Some images it can show include: (1) a plump Norwegian flipping tractor tires toward a white line, (2) an animated mouse smacking an animated cat with a medium-sized frying pan, (3) Doritos, (4) the President of the United States opening and closing his mouth. Some sounds it can make include: (1) high-pitched, (2) low-pitched, (3) normal.
I’ve been looking at the television a lot the last couple of days because my girlfriend has not been able to come over. When I text her, she just writes, “srry,,, busy,” but she promises she’ll be by tomorrow which is when I’ll be proposing. I called her moments ago and asked her to confirm and she said, yes, yes, she’ll be over tomorrow and then she made this strange moaning-type sound which I’ve never heard her make before and she said she had to go. The moaning-type sound was approximately forty-nine seconds in length and consisted of a variety of high-pitched, low-pitched, and normal-pitched sounds.
Kitchen Cabinet
Really good.
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Tyler Plofker is a writer in NYC. In his free time, he likes drinking water.