Your social media needs to be scraped clean of any evidence of a wild life or a connection to the public eye; celebrities prefer significant others who the press will assume is a staff member at events because they look so ordinary. You can find celebrities at their jobs—in a dugout or an international screening of their new movie—but those aren’t where you should pursue a celebrity because, there, they are at work. Instead, catch them in their element: the most exclusive restaurant in the city or the bar where, since they were in the same fraternity as one of the bouncers, they let loose without fear of repercussions. If you research them, which isn’t hard to do because their entire lives are plastered online, you will be able to find them in a place where they don’t put their public mask on like a sheet of grass where they tiredly walk their dog every morning.

Some celebrities expect to be recognized and some don’t. If they are so famous that it will seem like you live in a burrow with no electricity if you don’t know them, then don’t pretend to be ignorant but if they have a somewhat niche fanbase, treat them like they are normal. They will like that. It will make them feel normal. Celebrities are attune to the most banal of gestures; if, in the dog park, they have to leave and cannot get their dog away from yours so you command yours to sit, they will remember you as long as you do nothing else after. Someone who treats them like they work a service job will stand out. If they are really famous, the next time you see each other at the dog park and you are laughing about how your dogs seem to have fallen in love, name drop one of their movies and say that you liked them in it. But don’t ask for a picture. Never ask for a picture. You wouldn’t take a photograph of a stranger because you ‘wanted to remember meeting them’ and you wouldn’t do it at a dog park unless you wanted to share it—and wanting to share meeting them means that they are no longer safe to be themselves around you. They would be nice about it, but their smile in the picture will be a dazzling one meant for paparazzi and you will never see them again. Only mention their job as a conversation starter and, if they proceed to ask if you want a photograph with them, laugh. Tell them that it is cool to meet them but that you have no desire to memorialize a random moment with a fellow dog owner; remind them that you are normal and that, in this safe haven, they are too. It is only a matter of time before they ask you out.

Things will progress quickly because they’ll want you to be invested enough in them to stick around when they inevitably have to go away; celebrities always have a movie to shoot, a press tour to go on, concerts to perform, or sports games to play in. They will not have time for you soon, so they will make time now. Hide your awe at their wealth and how society bends for them but don’t ignore it. Joke about it; when the hostess at an upscale sushi restaurant waves you past a massive line, laugh at the perks of their job or say that it makes you uncomfortable how nicely they get treated. That will assuage their fear that you are only with them for their aura. On your next date, take them to your favorite dive bar and they will realize how much fun they have with you wherever they are. Show them your nerdy interests because once they notice that you are comfortable with them then they will be comfortable with you. You’ll be surprised by how normal they are—how they have pack bonded to an obscure movie franchise and salivate over a specific brand of dried fruit—and that is what they crave.

When the inevitable hits and their job takes over their life, be supportive. Don’t be clingy. Celebrities hate clingy. They want to know you’ll be okay without them because they will always have to travel and put their professions first. Besides, when you don’t initiate conversations with them, they will go crazy. Deep down, all celebrities are insecure. If they think that you’ve forgotten about them, they will start to be the clingy one. However, only acknowledge them when, and if, you have time to. Don’t make them your top priority, but at the same time don’t forget about them. If they are an athlete, watch their games and, when they text you after to tell you how they did, tell them that you were watching; they will love the idea of you sacrificing your evening to support them. If they are a movie star, listen to their complaints about their co-stars and help them learn their lines but don’t act impressed by their daily life or ask them how their costars are in ‘real life’; they want to date a supporter, not a fan.

When they come home, tell them you missed them. But not too much; you were thinking about them, but you weren’t watching slow-motion TikTok’s of them dancing and compilations of them getting interviewed on YouTube. They will tell you that they missed you too and that they wish their job wasn’t so hectic. They will tell you how they wish they were normal: as though being a celebrity was not their choice and they didn’t spend their whole lives preening themselves into a palatable product for the world. They might even share with you what profession they wish they were—tell you about an elementary school science fair project that they won a ribbon for or how they love to draw – and you cannot tell them the truth. You cannot tell them to look around their penthouse apartment and stop moaning. You cannot tell them to shut up. You have to hug them. You have to seem like the only person who understands the sacrifice that they have made to be a success. And now that they are back, you two will be inseparable. It is a waste for you to pay rent when you spend every night in their apartment, but you cannot suggest moving in with them because they might think you’re with them for their money. They will eventually ask you to move into their apartment and you have to seem unsure about giving up the home that you work hard to pay for. They will feel much better if they have to convince you that they are worth it.

Months can pass, years can pass, you might even get married, but the conversation will come. This also has to be initiated by them although it might be more their manager speaking through them. They will tell you that they want to go public with their marriage. With you. And again, make them work for it. Make them think you value normalcy and you don’t want to be like them. Soon, you will get dragged to a movie premiere or an awards show, or they will post a cute photograph of the two of you to their millions of followers, and then everyone will know.

And now? Now you are a celebrity too.

There are, of course, the extraneous celebrities who don’t have a never-ending battle with themselves over their fame. They want you to be yourself from the get-go, but be vigilant because if you seem too interested in their public life or their famous friends, or not interested enough, they will leave you for someone more in line with what they want. These celebrities have a specific kind of person that they are looking for and, if you are not that, then there is no dissuading them. And steer clear of the celebrities who actively try to date fans. They will leave you if they feel like you aren’t grateful enough for their presence, if they find someone better, or simply if they feel like bored. But in general with the majority of celebrities—who hate their lives but couldn’t dream of doing anything else—don’t forget to be genuine. But don’t do too much, and don’t do too little, and never forget that millions of people would kill you for a chance to take your spot.

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Bela Seitz (she/her) is a graduate of Vanderbilt University who currently lives in New York City. In between yelling at unruly pigeons and tourists, she can be found publishing work in, among others, the Worlds Within, the Under Review, Big Muddy, and New Pop Lit.