Dear Agents of Al-Qaeda:

It is I, Osama bin Laden, your fearless leader—contacting you from a small den where I hide like a tiny mammal during the Cretaceous era. Praise Allah, on with the Jihad, and all that. Now, on to other matters.

The dust has settled on the 2011/2012 pilot season! In some cases, beloved shows are gone forever. [Your beloved show here.] In some cases, our long national nightmare is over (Outsourced). And with a fresh new crop of shows about white people problems, we can all look forward to another year of groundbreaking television that

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For your Sunday amusement… a comic!

When in doubt, start your own company. If you’re of a particularly violent mindset, such as Winslow, perhaps becoming a contractor for the U.S. Department of Defense is the job for you. After all “security contractor” is just another name for “mercenary” in these more polite, politically correct times.

All of these creatures are related to the wild ass, a wacky, horse-like animal known for its sly wit, aggressive behavior during mating season, and an inability to effectively manipulate small power tools such as drills, electric hole punchers, and can openers. The wild ass is now virtually extinct, with small pockets of survivors inhabiting semi-desert regions of Northern Tibet. It is estimated that two or three individuals may also exist by attending liberal arts colleges in the Eastern United States, prolonging their stay by changing majors frequently.