Listen. I’m trying not to sound too terribly accusatory here. But you guys have caused me no small amount of irreversible psychological damage over the years. Observe: Don’t Break the Ice, Don’t Spill the Beans, Don’t Wake Daddy. “Don’t do this! Don’t do that!” Your board games are ripe with such negative language—and during the formative years, no less!

So. I made an oil spill comic. F— you, BP.

The recent boom in the “politics of personal destruction” has created a need for effective public apologies to be rendered by those cultural icons caught being naughty. The following speech, which was presented live on Gotham City television by a contrite Caped Crusader, may serve as a model for apologizers everywhere:

BAT-APOLOGY

Summer brings many things: mix CDs from Eileen, chafing of over-waxed bikini zones, terribly blotchy fake tans, and fiscal year-end corporate trainings.  With such enjoyable seasonal on-goings, you may wonder how can Alison complain?  The answer: fiscal year-end corporate trainings that don’t respect the time needed to nurse waxing wounds and buff away unsightly fake

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This comic will make absolutely no sense to you if you’ve never played Super Mario Bros. Or any of its 13 thousand sequels. And if you haven’t played Super Mario Bros. (or any of its 13 thousand sequels), then shame on you. Shame on you for missing out on the most important pop-culture phenomenon of the 1980s. Yes, more important than Cyndi Lauper, or hair metal, or even the Safety Dance.