“Batman Apologizes,” by Jay Morris

Jun 9th, 2010 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

The recent boom in the “politics of personal destruction” has created a need for effective public apologies to be rendered by those cultural icons caught being naughty. The following speech, which was presented live on Gotham City television by a contrite Caped Crusader, may serve as a model for apologizers everywhere:


Good evening.

Earlier today, in Gotham District Court, I was forced to respond to questions that no superhero would want to answer. The questions focused on what I now admit was…an inappropriate relationship I had with my crime-fighting intern, Robin.

This type of involvement with my young sidekick represents a personal failure for me, especially since it resulted in pain for the two people I care about most in the world—my butler Alfred and Commissioner Gordon.

While I take full responsibility for my actions, I would like now to forever put to rest certain wild stories about me which have been circulating in the tabloid press.

–Yes, I use certain gadgets of my own invention in my work—the Bat-rope, Bat-copter, etc., but there is no, I repeat, no such thing as a Bat-tickler.

–At no time did I ever ask Robin to lie, except as regards our secret identities.

–I know of no orgies that took place at Justice League of America meetings. Every superhero I met there is, as far as I know, an upstanding citizen. The Flash, whom I am proud to refer to as a friend, has beaten his addiction to amphetamines.

–I have never met Lois Lane, Lana Lang, or the Bionic Woman, despite the repeated linkage of their names with mine in the press. The photograph purporting to show me naked, trussed up with Wonder Woman’s golden lariat, is an obvious phony.

–I have never huffed kryptonite.

–The Green Lantern and I are just friends.

Now, in the interest of complete candor, I would like to say a few words about some reported incidents in which I was culpable.

–In an earlier deposition, I answered a question concerning my whereabouts at a certain point in time by saying that Robin and I were “enjoying ourselves on the cape.” While my answer was legally correct, I regret that it was misinterpreted by some people to mean that my sidekick and I were vacationing at some peninsular resort. The Batcape in question has been sent out for DNA analysis.

–On three occasions in 2005 I chose to ignore Bat-signal beacons from Commissioner Gordon because I wanted to stay home and watch reruns of The X-Files. I regret this.

–The recent refurbishment of the Bat-cave was, in part, paid for by funds solicited by Alfred from Chinese businessmen, but at the time I had no idea they were henchmen of the evil Penguin!

–I am now aware that emissions from the Batmobile do not meet government guidelines. I am working on a Batalytic converter.

–Although he is a nefarious evil-doer and consummate over-actor, I now admit freely that The Riddler has always cracked me up.

Finally, before I sign off, I must say that it is true that I appeared at several crime-fighting emergencies wearing Batgirl’s uniform. Mine was being dry-cleaned, I swear!


Jay Morris is a graduate of LaSalle University, where he was awarded a scholarship for creative writing. He has published dozens of stories in various literary magazines, including Philadelphia Stories and Zahir. He has also written one play, Rude Baby, which was recently produced, and worked for a time as a joke writer for Jay Leno. His new humor book, Uncle Jay’s Unreliable Almanac, is available at Amazon.

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