Recent university studies prove what all owners of mirrors already know: America is fat. To cinch up our nation’s ever-expanding waistline, the United States Council for State Mandated Fun & Group Showers requires that the following games be implemented into gym class curriculums for 2015.

Questions 1-4: Misery. Answer the following story problems using any method you like – provided it’s the method that I want you to use. Each problem is worth enough points to convince you that answering any incorrectly will earn you a grade that sabotages all of your future hopes. Calculators are not permitted.

Friends, supporters, colleagues, distinguished guests… all people I’d rather see than the degenerates and scumbags seated before me now.

Polar Bears Trump Polar Vortex
What began as a close contest quickly devolved into a blowout as Polar Bears trounced Polar Vortex 42-9. The League Commissioner said about the game, “Polar Vortex really didn’t have a chance if you ask me. I mean, the Polar Vortex is just some wind… or air… or whatever, and Polar Bears are, well, ferocious bears. I’ll take bears over air every time.”