“Weekend Roundup: News From Around the Sporting World,” by Chris Eversman

May 14th, 2014 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Polar Bears Trump Polar Vortex
What began as a close contest quickly devolved into a blowout as Polar Bears trounced Polar Vortex 42-9. The League Commissioner said about the game, “Polar Vortex really didn’t have a chance if you ask me. I mean, the Polar Vortex is just some wind… or air… or whatever, and Polar Bears are, well, ferocious bears. I’ll take bears over air every time.”

Schadenfreude Overcomes Empathy
Though muffled by 12-inches of beard, laughter could be heard from as far away as Vancouver as residents throughout Alaska rejoiced during one of the harshest winters on record in the contiguous 48 states, handing Schadenfreude an easy 22-0 shutout over Empathy.

Oscars Tie Olympics
The match between Oscars and Olympics was abandoned and declared a draw before the first whistle blew when commentators were unable to pronounce the names of several key players. Trouble began early on for the play-by-play crew when Oscars captains Chiwetel Ejiofor and Barkhad Abdi met Olympics captains Sjinkie Knegt and Iouri Podladtchikov at center court for a pre-game handshake.

Sunday Morning Extends Winning Streak Over Saturday Night
In what has become a decidedly lopsided rivalry, Sunday Morning prevailed over Saturday Night 40-26 to remain undefeated in their weekly match up. Saturday Night’s coach praised his squad’s effort but seemed to have little idea how to even the series, “We started off so strong this game, so strong… but we always start off strong against Sunday Morning. Our energy level was really high at first and I was sure we’d be able to hang on this time, but Sunday Morning came along and left us with headaches and regret. It seems that the harder we go, the worse it is for us in the end.” After the game, several of Saturday Night’s players blamed the loss on their stupid friends for talking them into it.

Ice Fishing Upsets Boredom
Ice Fishing bucked the odds and prevailed over Boredom due in no small part to the contributions of my father, whose unrelenting insistence that we were having fun wore down the defending champions by game’s end. Shouts from a jubilant Ice Fishing locker room could be heard in the arena long after game’s end, “We’re building character! Patience is a virtue! It’s called fishing not catching!”

Middle Finger Leapfrogs Peace Sign
After sweeping the season series with Peace Sign last night, Middle Finger has climbed to 3rd place in the division in spite of weak attendance to home games and a disparate and aloof group of supporters. “Our entire fan base is made up of angry motorists and photographed teenagers who think they’re being funny,” said the team’s general manger. In the standings, they still trail Giant Foam Number One Hand and Double Fisted Thumbs Up.

Natural Ability Trounces Hard Work
You always knew it was really true.

Dinosaurs Versus Aliens Lives Up to Hype
The long awaited showdown between Dinosaurs and Aliens, postponed for many weeks out of respect for several eleven-year-old boys whose heads literally exploded when they heard about it, did not disappoint… but it was really the kind of thing for which description does no justice, so I hope you were there to see it because there were no cameras permitted and they will definitely not be meeting up again for a long, long, long, looooong time.

Sasquatch Disqualified Yet Again
For the 112th time out of 112 scheduled tournaments dating back to the beginning of time, Sasquatch was again removed from competition for failing to appear. The mythical primate’s agent, a bearded man in a camouflage t-shirt wearing sunglasses indoors, assured the competition committee that he had just seen his client the other day in the glen by the river. Unable to substantiate the agent’s claims, and unwilling to accept the proffered excrement sample as evidence of Sasquatch’s existence, tournament officials disqualified the elusive biped.

Next Week’s Predictions:

Hoagie vs. Submarine Sandwich
Sub Sandwich by a foot.

Emoticons vs. Actual Emotions
Actual Emotions are overrated. Emoticons by 12.

Your Ass vs. A Hole in the Ground
Too close to call.

Primates vs. Prime Numbers
If they use their fingers and toes, Primates by 3.

Funny vs. Annoying
It’s going to be a “fine line” according to my mother.

Addiction vs. C’mon It’s No Big Deal
Totally under control. No Big Deal by 8.

The Internet vs. Office Productivity
The Internet in a massive, massive landslide.

Fun vs. Someone Else’s Expense
As long as it’s not me, I’ll take Fun by 11.

This Shtick vs. Your Patience
No comment.

Defenestration-Chris EversmanChris Eversman lives in Alaska. He looks like the cover of a novel about a woman falling in love with a lumberjack. He runs sled dog teams, chops wood, starts campfires, shoots a bow, and does everything else your grandfather regrets not teaching you to do.


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