Defenestration

“A Place Where Kids’ Word Is Law,” by Michael Giddings

I’m sitting on the couch watching TV with the kids when the Party Action Party Packrat explodes out of the screen and into our living room.

The kids, of course, go absolutely wild.

“Hello friends!” says the Party Action Party Packrat. His name is Pizza Pete, and you never see it in print without a tm at the end.

“Shoes,” by Eric Suhem

Gary divorced Gabriela over what he termed as her ‘lack of support for my shoe choices’. In the settlement, Gabriela kept the house, and Gary moved into the Capri Village Apartments. Now single, he felt freer to explore his shoe preferences. Taking a walk, he noticed a shoe store around the corner. “What a stroke of luck!” declared Gary, eyeing his chipped wobbly clogs.

“‘High IQ’ is Now Trending on Twitter,” by Stacey Resnikoff

Theft can be so cliché. “Don’t move.” “Gimme me all your money.” Blah blah blah. Occasionally, however, you run into a criminal with panache. A maverick among the immoral, who surprises with a command like: “Give me those spectacular Italian shoes. Or you’re deader than Olga Knipper.” Now that’ll send you reeling. Especially if you are a Russian symphony conductor with a penchant for Anton Chekhov trivia and weakness for custom leather. Even more so if you don’t realize this information is on your Wikipedia bio.

“Like 911, It’s Just a Number,” by Adriana Tosun

Let’s cut to the chase: Milky (16) likes Joe and Joe (17) likes Milky, but since they’re teenage boys who have known each other for half their lives and who talk mostly about video games and homework and breasts, neither one knows how the other feels, and anyway neither of them is too sure about that gay shit (spoiler: they both end up liking it enough to stick with it). This, however, is not their story, although anybody could assure you it’s a rollicking good one, with drama and intrigue and a fair amount of make-up sex.

Instead, it is a story about their friend, Hallelujah (16), who has fallen in love with Mr. Farneaux (39), her period three English teacher.

“A Thankless Job for It’s [sic] Worker’s [sic],” by Vanessa Weibler Paris

Jonah sat before the panel of blinking red lights. Merry Christmas, except not merry and not Christmas. It was a hot July night, and he’d just started the second of a double shift.

“Pedantics,” he said, taking the next call.

Jonah could remember when teachers still used red pens. There were moans and groans and no-fairs every time a paper was returned. “God,” his friend Emmett complained after class. “She’s a million years old and half-blind; how can she even see such a tiny mistake and who the fuck even cares?”

“Dark Matter,” by Magda Knight

Although I’m alone in thinking this, it all started in a small pub at half past closing time. Several drinks in and an unspecified number of brain cells down, we approached the topics of the day with all the swagger of emperors and kings.

It was Madeleine who broached the question first. She wrote it on the back of a beer mat, refusing to buy the next round until we’d considered her words with what she considered to be a suitable measure of gravitas.

The beer mat read:

A vast meteorite heads towards the earth. Then scientists announce it is actually a gigantic poo.

“Stooges,” by Tina Posner

I can’t remember my dreams

but they leave me bathed in sweat.

Maybe the problem is 

I still haven’t figured out how

my family was replaced by three

goldfish, named after the Stooges.

The fourth, who arrived DOA,
was Shemp, and he appears to be
unmourned.

“More Human Than Human,” by Anna Zoria

Sometimes I ask myself if it meant anything at all—me, you, the roast chicken, those two years together that now feel murky and placed under thick fog. You driving to work after one hour of sleep, week after week after week. You going crazy from no sleep, from too much me, from us taking each other’s brain hostage. You and me staying up drinking scotch, playing chess, smoking pack after pack, listening to Kid A, taking baths on E. Me taking up the whole bed every night, me waking up laughing, me screaming in my sleep. Us sleeping through every Saturday. Your love for dates and numbers.

“The Importance of Being Careful,” by Joseph Buehler

While Tolstoy wrote outdoors,
his goat
would eye him suspiciously,
making sure he wrote nothing
that was anti-goat,

“Heyoka,” by Peter Cole Friedman

Each joke
is a crack
of thunder,
a rupture
in the sky’s
grammar.