Every year at the winter solstice, members of the so-called “Bilderberg Group,” an enigmatic collective of elite figures from the worlds of finance, technology, and domination, gather at a unknown location to confer on matters of the highest consequence. The content of these discussions, rumored to amount to a shadow world government, can never be revealed.

But what explains the unnatural youthfulness of so many Bilderbergers? Their mild telekinesis and immunity to all known human disease? Well, for the first time ever, the general public will be offered a rare peek “behind the curtain” with the publication of Bilderberg Head Chef Lionel di Pietro’s The Bilderberg Group Cookbook: Original Recipes from the Secret World Government.

And what are the “secrets” to Chef di Pietro’s success? “Three things,” he explains. “First, we use only the freshest, locally-sourced fruits, meats, and produce. Second, we stress simplicity and elegance in everything we do. When you use the highest-quality ingredients, there’s no need to cover them up with flashy technique. Third, ____________________________________________________________________________.”

Chef di Pietro clearly believes that good food is healthy food. Is his cooking perhaps responsible for the lean, skeletal physiques that so many Bilderbergers maintain even into advanced age? Sorry, dieters! “That is not the food,” Chef di Pietro tells us. “That is the horrible knowledge of what they have done, of the accommodations they have made in the interests of power, their covenants drawn with nameless malevolent forces, this knowledge slowly eating away at their souls from within, like a cancer, always there, growing, insidious.”

The Bilderberg Group Cookbook will be published next month by Phaidon. In the meantime, whet your appetite with these recipes from Chef di Pietro’s kitchen!

Scallops Crudo with Vanilla Salt and Golden Pheasant Tears

“Everyone is so frightened to prepare raw seafood at home,” says Chef di Pietro, “but the dirty secret is that given the right ingredients, anyone can make world-class crudo.” The key, of course, is freshness. “If you live near a major fish market, go yourself. Arrive early and don’t be afraid to be picky! If not, have fresh scallops packed on ice and delivered to you in an unmarked black helicopter.” In this recipe, Chef di Pietro accentuates the delicate, mild flavour of fresh scallops with the acidity of tears from the golden pheasant, a rare and stunning bird native to western China. “The wonderful thing about the golden pheasant is its exquisite sensitivity,” explains Chef di Pietro. “To bring a common bush pheasant to tears requires mild to moderate physical torture, but the golden pheasant will cry at the slightest hint of psychological stress. [Former European Central Bank President] Jean-Claude Trichet could make a golden pheasant burst into tears merely by raising a single eyebrow.”

Ingredients:

4 large scallops, as fresh as possible

1 ½ teaspoons golden pheasant tears, just extracted

1 teaspoon extra-virgin olive oil

Pinch vanilla salt

1/8 teaspoon freshly grated ginger

2 fresh cut frangipani flowers, just blossomed

Directions:

1. Slice each scallop horizontally, as thinly as possible, and fan out on a large plate.
2. Whisk together the pheasant tears and olive oil, then sprinkle over the scallops.
3. Garnish with the vanilla salt, fresh ginger, and frangipani.

“Out-of-this-World” Rhubarb Muffins

“I do not use the words ‘out-of-this-world’ figuratively,” says Chef di Pietro. “This recipe includes trace amounts of ________, a substance of unknown but presumably extra-terrestrial origin, discovered at the site of an ancient meteorite crater in the ______________ region of _____________________.” The touch of ________ gives these muffins a distinctive nutty kick, with high notes of ginger and bass notes of creeping dread. You may have trouble sourcing the ________ at your local supermarket, but don’t fret! Chef di Pietro suggests looking for it at a local ethnic grocery or top-secret nuclear research facility.

Ingredients:

2 cups unbleached flour

2/3 cup caster sugar

2 teaspoons baking powder

½ teaspoon baking soda

250 micrograms ________

Pinch of salt

3/4 stick of butter, melted

2/3 cup buttermilk

2 large, free range eggs, lightly beaten

1 ½ teaspoons pure vanilla extract

1 ½ cups diced rhubarb

Zest of one clementine

Directions:

1. Preheat the oven to 400 F.
2. Whisk together the dry ingredients in a large bowl. Mix thoroughly, taking care not to agitate the ________. If the bowl begins to hum or vibrate, flee to a distance of no less than 20km for 14 – 22 days or until the insects return to normal.
3. Make a well in the dry ingredients, and whisk in the butter, buttermilk, eggs, and vanilla. Don’t over whisk!
4. Gently fold in the rhubarb and clementine zest.
5. With the back of a long wooden spoon, ______________ an ______________________________.
6. Divide the batter into a greased muffin tin and bake for 18 to 20 minutes. Transfer to a rack and cool for 5 minutes. Delicious!

____________________ with Goat Cheese

______________________________________________________________________________. Try asking around at your local farmers’ market or cheese shop.

Ingredients:

_____________

_________________

_________________________________

________________

___________________

Coarse sea salt and ________, to taste

_________________

___________________

5 ounces young, creamy goat cheese

______________

Directions:

1. ____________________________________.
2. ________________________________________________________________.
3. ______________________________.
4. _________________________________ in a large frying pan placed over high heat. _________________________________.
5. ______________________________________________________________.
6. ______________________________________________________________. Remove the ________ from the pan and leave to cool down on a plate.
7. ___________________________________.
8. Taste and adjust the seasoning.
9. Arrange on a serving plate and dot with spoonfuls of goat cheese. ________ _______ ____________________. You can’t beat it!

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Christopher Winter is a writer and ne’er do well currently resident in the American Midwest.