Here at Placebo Meadows we believe that no matter how old you are, you should always be willing to participate in the joy of learning. With that thought in mind, we are pleased to announce this year’s lectures. Dates will be announced in the near future.

My dear fellow members of the Agatha Christie fan club, as club President, I speak to you today in a time of intense sadness for our organization. It has now been two weeks since our newest member, my dear friend Fred, has died, and unfortunately, the police are no closer to cracking his case. His death remains an enigma, no matter how many times I visit his grave, no matter how many times I unearth his casket, and no matter how many times I interrogate him.

Pro: They have mastered the art of shining in the dark.
Con: They can’t be bothered to shine in the daytime unless you’re really close to one.

Two weeks of training on my LegXercise Ellipse motorized under-desk foot-mover transformed me from a never-exerciser into an elite marathoner. The Ellipse (as seen on TV every three minutes) is a high-tech, passive exercise machine that moves your feet forward and backward while you sit.

Active Running is outdated. It’s what cavemen did to escape a nagging mate.

1. A boy being caught with his shirt tail untucked and hanging out of his pants.

2. Chewing gum anywhere on the school grounds at any time.

3. Not returning an empty cafeteria lunch tray to the dish washing area.

4. A boy’s hair growing over the tops of his ears by a little as 1/32 of an inch.

5. Running in the hallway.

6. Talking in class.

Any one of these crimes against humanity committed within the boundaries of my mid-1960’s high school campus would get one sent to Honor Court.