Sometimes, on the verge of a depressive episode, I go online and look at the Arby’s menu as a way to ground myself. It’s a unique methodology of acknowledging the past, the 5 for $5 deal exemplifying just how distant my childhood has become, while also challenging myself to relinquish control by embracing the inherent uncertainty that tomorrow guarantees: Arby’s has introduced Steak Nuggets.

So the first thing is to turn on the baseball game at 7 o’clock. If it’s not 7 o’clock then what you need to do is change into something comfortable, probably shorts. You can try some flip flops but that’s up to you. Just something chill. If it’s still not 7 o’clock once you’re in your clothes you’re going to need to check the news to see what’s been going on. If there’s been anything going on that makes you a little uncomfortable try some cartoons. You could also just read something online.

Whenever the honeysuckle starts to bloom, I’m reminded of the spring when everyone decided it was a great idea for me to ride the back seat of a tandem bicycle with my father-in-law. He wasn’t even my father-in-law yet, which made this imposed, volun-told decree even more profoundly horrible. 

Pro: They have mastered the art of shining in the dark.
Con: They can’t be bothered to shine in the daytime unless you’re really close to one.

1. A boy being caught with his shirt tail untucked and hanging out of his pants.

2. Chewing gum anywhere on the school grounds at any time.

3. Not returning an empty cafeteria lunch tray to the dish washing area.

4. A boy’s hair growing over the tops of his ears by a little as 1/32 of an inch.

5. Running in the hallway.

6. Talking in class.

Any one of these crimes against humanity committed within the boundaries of my mid-1960’s high school campus would get one sent to Honor Court.