The celebrity memoir that doesn’t live up to its expectations has become as ubiquitous as the genre itself. Even more disappointing are the tell-alls penned by authors looking to cash-in on their often-tenuous associations to figures of public curiosity.

Rarely do these books by jilted lovers, former friends or estranged children deliver on their claims.

Dear Friends:

I wish to personally apologize for all that went wrong with our first beekeeping workshop last Saturday at Chauncey Farm.

It’s my honor to speak in memory of our departed friend Phil Anderson today. When most of you think of Phil’s work for the SyFy Channel over the years, you probably think of his shark movies, like Vampire Sharks and Sharks on a Plane. But take it from me, Phil was so much more than shark movies.

America’s Version of the Great Laugholio, Grabby Dabbles was the first truly great twisting-as-he-goes-there clown, as well as the first half-near-sighted, pigeon-toed clown with a widow’s peak, nut allergies and chronic phlegm star of the circus. Grabby Dabbles was born in the, then seaside, city of Sugarbone in 1809, though some records, viewed upside-down, indicate that he was born in 6081. Grabby’s first appearance as a circus clown was in St. Solution, Bamalama in 1830, at 45¢ a week.

Hello, hello, hello, folks! Hope you’re all swell on this brisk winter evening. This is the Amtrak 449 Lake Shore Limited train from Boston, Massachusetts to Chicago, Illinois. My name is Phil, and my wife just left me.