“Amendments For Increased Safety To Propeller Warning Labels at the 2014 Tulsa Boat Show,” by Molly Bradley

Oct 15th, 2014 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Rotating propeller can cause serious injury or death, Carl. Never approach or use ladder when motor is running, or at least wear a sturdier pair of shoes if you’re going to, because that thing absolutely mutilated your favorite pair of Tevas (the ones you so proudly remind us survived your trip to Peru and the whole goat incident, which is, frankly, pretty unbelievable in the first place) and your actual foot was at very real risk.


Engine and generator exhaust contain odorless and colorless carbon monoxide (CO) gas. Carbon monoxide will be around the back of the boat when engines or generators are running. Carbon monoxide can cause brain damage or death. That’s why Sally acts like she doesn’t recognize us when we wave to her from the beach, remember? Move to fresh air if you feel nausea, headache, dizziness, or drowsiness. (I guess she sure didn’t.)



– Avoid serious injury from loss of balance and falling overboard, all occupants must remain seated at all times while boat is in motion, except for Jane, who will never be tall enough to fall over the side of a boat, and while this plagues her during most of her waking hours, especially at school, and bars her from joining any kind of after-school sport or activity, though less because of her limited skill or rejection by peers than the fact that she can’t even reach the sign-up sheets posted on the wall in the student lounge, it’s kind of been nice for her to be able to run around while the boat’s going. She’s really finding her sea legs, don’t you think?

– Boat (i.e. John) is capable of quick and tight turns. Such maneuvers can cause unseated occupants (i.e. David and Leanne) to be thrown around (Leanne) or out of (David) the boat. Alert passengers before changes in direction. The driver (John) is responsible for operating boat in a manner that ensures the safety of (the nonexistent) passengers (because we’re never getting in a boat with you again, John, you jackass).

– Gasoline vapors can explode. Before starting engine, open engine box – no, that’s not the engine box, it’s that other thing

– goddamnit Liz those are the life jackets, what is wrong with you? – check engine compartment for gasoline vapors, and operate blower for at least four minu – WHAT THE HELL, LIZ, TURN OFF THE ENGINE – four minutes. Run blower below – BELOW, Liz – cruising speed. Jesus.


U.S. Coast Guard Maximum Capacities: 3 persons or 400 lbs, or Larry.
Sorry, Larry, it looks like you’re going to have to get your own boating license.

Defenestration-Molly BradleyMolly Bradley is a writer and teacher currently living in New York City. She received her sense of humor and degrees in English and creative writing from Oberlin College in Ohio. She has worked in the publishing industry, in only one cubicle, and in a food truck serving waffles. Her writing has previously appeared online on The Equals Record and The Toast. She enjoys using regional American colloquialisms that do not belong to her and obfuscate her origins (e.g. “hella”).

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