Nissan GT-R (2014)

Looking for renters! For only $35 a day, you can rent out my beautiful 4-seat Nissan GT-R. This impressive luxury car is safe to drive, excellent on gas, and with less than 40,000 miles on it, has still managed to hit & kill 454 deer. If you’re looking for some peace and quiet, this is definitely the car for you. The Nissan GT-R is a very quiet drive, so you’ll barely hear any noise when you slam into deer after deer on your drive to the grocery store, to the laundry pickup, or to the end of your driveway and back. The Nissan GT-R also comes with a powerful sunroof, Bluetooth connectivity and a first-class navigation system, in case you’re trying to track down and wipe out an entire family of deer that are on the run from you. Contact me to rent out this beautiful car!

Dear Editor,

This is the first time I’ve ever written a “letter to the editor.” Though I must confess I’m not a subscriber to your newspaper, I have been known to peruse its contents at the library. I am a big fan of the in-depth coverage you provide of the Saturday night races at our local “speedway.” And ever since my social media accounts were suspended (for various unfounded reasons too trivial to mention), your “police blotter” provides a means for me to keep up with the various goings-on of my friends, coworkers, and former classmates.

Can I get everyone’s attention?

My name is Terry Clemette, and I am your Operations Sections Chief. It’s a big group, please get in close. Closer, please. We have a lot of material to cover.

Two things we have in abundance

Medications and Lawsuits

Imagine a pill that gives you coverage for life, home, auto, and health. You take this pill and that’s it. You’re covered.

An early homo sapien sapiens skeleton was found in a cave in Luxembourg clutching a small rectangular device with a smooth dark screen. It was wrapped, quite literally, in the skin of an otter.

An ancient Egyptian mummified in one of the more modest pyramids was dissected by the British Museum in 1924. The mummy had a tattoo of a butterfly on her lower back.