Hello everyone,

You’ve all voiced concerns about my new girlfriend, Jules. While I appreciate your desire to insinuate yourselves into my personal business, I can assure you that Jules is amazing.

I’ll admit, I didn’t know she was a cannibal at first. She doesn’t like to use that word because of how society has stigmatized it. Her profile said she was an anthropophagist, which I thought meant she was a professor or something. We both had a good laugh about that.

As a certified grocery bagger at the local Freddy’s Foods, it is my Assistant Manager given right to discuss, with each customer, the items that they have purchased as I bag for them. I would also add that I can do so as loudly as needed to ensure that the customer is satisfied. I refuse to remain quiet and let the cashier dominate the conversation, to where I’m only allowed to ask, “Paper or plastic?” 

“I think it goes without saying: that hair is a different color than that hair.”

“A drinking buddy turned me on to these stories.  I looked for the book after we’d been out bar hopping but couldn’t find it.  Barnes and Noble said they could order it.  I didn’t know much about chinchillas before the book arrived.  Fascinating!”

Gregg Alexander, frontman of the nineties alternative band New Radicals, reached a significant legal milestone over the weekend after he was arrested for the one-hundredth time. Like all past charges against the singer-songwriter, he was once again booked for assault.