Why was I responsible for the Bishop’s funeral? Sure, I’d been attached to the diocesan office for a couple of years, but only because Bishop Pfister had wanted to, in his words, “keep an eye on me.”

Shortly after my ordination, he said to me, “You’re a real degenerate, you know, of course.”

What could I say? I nodded.

That was Sunday, before the watchman and the dogs chased me out of the landfill. Now it seems as if I have misplaced the Ferrari. I remember leaving the car idling on the street while I stopped in at City Hall to see if the landfill had a lost and found. May have left keys in the car. Don’t see it anywhere. Che sara lieu sara, as Enzio Ferrari might say. At least I didn’t get a parking ticket.

Coming to a theatre near you—as soon as the anti-woke, “Christian,” misogynistic armchair critics finish tanking the ratings and forcing the cast members to quit showbiz!

Dear Kevin in 3C:

Congratulations on the five-day bender. Incredible. How did all those people fit in your apartment? My wife and I thought nothing would ever top your last Labor Day marathon. You’re an inspiration, Kevin. We used to get wild. The baby made us forget. But you’re our reminder, Kevin, that the party’s still out there.

So the first thing is to turn on the baseball game at 7 o’clock. If it’s not 7 o’clock then what you need to do is change into something comfortable, probably shorts. You can try some flip flops but that’s up to you. Just something chill. If it’s still not 7 o’clock once you’re in your clothes you’re going to need to check the news to see what’s been going on. If there’s been anything going on that makes you a little uncomfortable try some cartoons. You could also just read something online.