Prose

“Masochistic Purchase Practices” or “Why I like being treated like a 5-year old at Starbucks,” by Joseph Pierandozzi

May 20th, 2007 | By

I have somewhat of a high-pitched voice to begin with, so maybe you can imagine the horrible noises that I emit when I talk to small children and puppies. Maybe you can’t. I wouldn’t suggest trying to either way. The sound is horrible and I can’t for the life of me understand how it makes

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Staked Through the Heart and You’re Too Late: Anne Rice Gives Jesus a Bad Name

Dec 20th, 2005 | By

So. Anne Rice found Jesus. I thought I had him securely locked up in my kitchen cupboard, but I guess he got out. He and Anne took off and went to the Holy Land. Yeah, Utah. He and Anne found a Starbucks and over some Pumpkin Lattes, which tasted like bread from the Eucharist (translation:

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Ritchie Rich: Nicole Ritchie holds up a mirror to her world, and a lot of cocaine falls off.

Nov 20th, 2005 | By

When I first picked up Nicole Ritchie’s The Truth About Diamonds, I assumed Ritchie would tell a tale about a tropical mining adventure as she searches for “adamas.” The book would reach its climatic end soon after Ritchie perishes in a deliciously horrible mine shaft fire. But after reading the first few pages of Ritchie’s book,

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ERAGON: a Rondo

Sep 20th, 2005 | By

I. dusk streaks the sky in pink, like a pervert. speaking thus of perverts: paolini. he and his dragon lass seek the evil galbatorix, scourge of over-the-counter laxatives in many a foreign land. “his vocabulary is so large!” the reporter cries, a bard in the desert. the biggest word used by the hero: “wonderful.” you

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The Historian: The Secretive Secret Secret-Keeper

Jul 20th, 2005 | By

I enjoyed reading The Historian as much as I enjoy being called “ma’am” by the bag boy at the supermarket. After taking pages and pages of copious notes on the text, I thought it best to simply bring a sample of the book to your attention so that you can come to a conclusion on this

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