It’s about time we face up to the facts. Test scores for children are at an all-time low. The days of relying on the school system to provide the education are children so desperately need are long gone. It’s time we take matters into our own hands and teach our children what they need to know in order to survive in 21st century America, and possible even 22nd century America, as kids born this year only have to live until they are 92 to make it. Below I offer advice on some of the most important issues that I feel must be addressed with your children. Total reliance on the school system for these topics is simply too dicey.
SHOULD I DISCUSS THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE?
Only a damned fool would deny there is something really strange going on in the Bermuda Triangle. Please don’t sugar-coat the events that have occurred in the Triangle, as this could damage your credibility big-time when one day your daughter learns the truth. Practically all commercial planes avoid the triangle these days as they have concluded that it’s simply not worth the risk. This is why when you fly to Europe they swing you way up north towards Canada and Iceland. Sure, it takes a couple hours longer than if you would just fly straight across the Atlantic, but everybody realizes this would be simply be too risky, and perhaps even deadly. So passengers and flight crews readily accept the longer routes in favor of safety.
Cruise ships also avoid the triangle, and this is why so many go to the Panama Canal to steer as far away from it as possible. Cruising through the Panama Canal is incredibly boring, as you have to go through a bunch of locks in which there is nothing to do accept watch water full up beside your boat. But understand that these cruise companies have to kill time somehow and this seems to be the preferred method of recent years. Once again, the alternative would be to cruise through the Triangle, and this is not appropriate for the faint of heart, so most readily accept the Panama diversion.
So if you see the Triangle discussed on TV it’s best to simply wave the finger at the television and mutter something to the effect of “Triangle Bad”. This will help to communicate there is something sinister going on there and that it’s best to avoid it all costs.
EXPLAINING THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN TO YOUR CHILD
There is no reason to scare your child with stories of this elusive beast, but no doubt she will come forward with questions at some point. If she should accidentally catch a glimpse of this hairy creature on television, I, as well as most Doctors at the American Society of Pediatrics, recommend that you make light of the Abominable Snowman and simply pretend that he is friendly and lovable plaything with an excellent sense of humor. Sure, someday she she’ll undoubtedly want to know the truth, but the longer you can keep this charade alive the better off your child will be.
WHAT ABOUT ROSWELL? AT WHAT AGE SHOULD I EXPLAIN THIS TO HER?
Your child must understand what really happened on that day in 1947, and it’s never to early to prepare him for the truth. I think the best way to start is at night to point out distant stars in the galaxy and then buy some model spaceships at the Wal-Mart. Then you can pretend that the spaceships are leaving the distant stars and then flying around in our atmosphere. This will get your child used to the idea that:
Yes – there are aliens from other worlds who fly in spaceships and,
Yes – they sometimes will fly around in our atmosphere and
Yes – sometimes things will go wrong and they will crash like they did in Roswell.
The whole concept will obviously be too overwhelming for your child to grasp, but it certainly won’t hurt to start laying the groundwork. We are so lucky to live during a time in which extraterrestrial life has finally been proven, and it’s only natural to want to share this information with your child. But don’t rush things, as your baby will come around in due course, as only the truly insane and those in institutions remain in denial about Roswell.
HOW SHOULD STONEHENGE BE ADDRESSED?
Probably not during the first few years, but don’t discount the possibility that she’ll catch a glimpse of the rock formation on television and look at you wide-eyed for an explanation. Nobody really knows how they did it, so don’t go feeding your daughter some cockamamie story about how you “think” it was done. Because the truth of the matter is that you just don’t know, do you?
Personally, I could care less “how” they did it, and am much more interested in “why” they did it. I mean, give me a break, they dragged those stones hundreds of miles just to stand them up on some field? Talk about having too much time on your hands! OK, I imagine it was pretty cool on the Summer Solstice to see the Sun and the shadow it casts like it did in the movie Indiana Jones, but was it really worth all that effort for just a few minutes of fun? And what if it was cloudy? So when I see Stonehenge on the television I point at my ear with my finger and make the classic twirling motion to indicate to my daughter that these Stonehenge creators were totally nuts. You certainly don’t want her joining some weird cult when she’s older (especially a group into rock formations) so the sooner you set her straight about these freaks the better off she’ll be.
SHOULD I TELL HER ABOUT THE BIG ASTEROID THAT IS GOING TO HIT THE EARTH IN 2018?
Absolutely not! While most now realize that this asteroid will likely end civilization as we know it, there is no reason to rob your child of the joys of childhood. Sure, we’re probably all going to get pulverized, but what if the calculations are off a bit and the thing misses us completely! Then all this worrying will have been for naught.
SUMMARY
Do not rely on the school system if you want your children to know what really is going on in the world today. I have touched on some of the biggies above, but truth be known, I really have only scratched the surface, and deep down I think you know it. Please join me next month as we’ll address Crop Circles, the Loch Ness Monster, and Nazca lines.
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John Homans writes from South Florida, where the weather is very nice. When the weather is not great, he enjoys ribbing travelers to the area by saying things like “I see you brought the bad weather with you.” People really seem to enjoy this line and tend to gravitate towards him after hearing it. But deep down everyone knows that it is ridiculous to think someone can actually transport weather from one place to another, which makes the appeal of this line all the more fascinating.