After all these years of suffering under a hopeless crush, I’ve finally gotten my heart’s desire. I am literally (sort of) sleeping with John Stuart Mill. And let me tell you, darlings, People magazine needs to make up a new contest, because he is the sexiest man no longer alive. Or at least he’s the sexiest moral philosopher no longer alive. For one thing, he is HUGE—485 pages, not even counting the extended bibliography and prodigious notes. Now like most women, there’s nothing I like better than a long, slow read. But it’s not just the size. From the first time I read the Autobiography, On Liberty, and of course On the Subjection of Women, I was sure JStill was the only man who would ever really get me (except maybe Captain Kangaroo).

So, I while ago, I made an Abridged Classic for Pathfinder, an appalling example of racism in cinema, and also an appalling example of cinema. And man, there was plenty to show you. Especially because writing about this movie just doesn’t do it justice. It’s one thing to write, “The Native American characters are useless.”

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Inspired by a conservative website’s project to create a new Bible translation that “eliminates liberal bias” and incorporates “free market meaning,” I have taken another look at the lost years of Jesus. In light of free market meaning, I have tried to fill in the gaps.

So. Kids have once again found another back door to getting “high” because they can’t stand being under their parents ever vigilant, controlling thumbs in an attempt to make them more perfect than those snotty Joneses kids—that and the fact that most kids can’t stand each other (or pretty much anything that doesn’t involve themselves).

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Beloved Papa,

I am ever so delighted to find myself in Amsterdam at the dawn of the new age of floral wealth! Every person I greet in the city squares is aglow with the bright future of tulips and Dutch trade. I have heard stories in the salons that the Ottoman Sultan himself is investing most of his personal fortune in Dutch tulips! Although I intended only a short sojourn before beginning my studies at Leiden University, my plans have changed. I have become apprenticed to a merchant here in Amsterdam and shall represent him in his trade discussions with his British counterparts.