Dear B.,

Howdy, amigo, from Crawford, TX. I know you’re busy, which is why I’m writin you this letter and havin Laura scan it into the computer so I can send it by email, and then you can read it on your Blackberrypod while you’re takin a cigarette break or catchin your breath between basketball games or I don’t know. But however it gets there, I hope it gets there if it can (This Reader’s Digest compilation CD of great love songs that Laura sent away for just came in. LOVE it.) And, also, too, I hope this reaches you in well health. Seems like I’ve been hearin a lot about you and health in the news lately. I worry about you, B.

Dear Employer,

As your new marketing assistant, I just wanted to say thank you for the opportunity and… get ready for some face-melting assisting!!

When filming the final scene of The Bells of St. Mary’s in 1946, Bing Crosby and Ingrid Berman conspired on a prank. As a taciturn Father O’Malley sends a tearful Sister Benedict off to recover from her illness, he unexpectedly grabs her in a tongue-locking, passionate kiss. The crew busted up laughing.

Sixty-four years and one Pedophile Scandal later, priestly lust is no longer funny. Worse, it’s no longer taboo—just creepy. So movie priests are taking their vows of chastity more seriously than ever, and looking like priests in real life and not the ones in Madonna’s fantasies.

The fact that my word processor has underlined one word in this opening with the red-line of “No! You idiot!!”, should be some indication that “unfriend” is not a real word. Oxford (in their divine intelligence) has, however, decided otherwise. I have issues with this. Yes, language is constantly changing based on societal standards, but really… unfriend?? It

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Pasta

Pizza

Steak Subs dripping with juice

Hand tossed salad

Juicy Imported Tomatoes come on the “Caprese”

Hot, Wide-Open Zucchini Blossoms, deep-fried