Since my days as a teacher in South Korea, I have been intrigued by ESL (English as a Second Language) instruction. After receiving further certification in the area, it occurred to me that there was one important sector of life which English had failed to conquer: birds.

Coming from the “Land of the Freakishly Tall”, I understand the fascination that you vertically challenged folks have with our height. You stare at us in awe as if our size was gifted to us by the Gods themselves, making us preordained to lead humanity into a Golden Age of Prosperity, and that is too much pressure. I just want to lounge around eating various cheese and meat products straight from a can like any other normal person. I’m well aware of how amazing you short folks think we are, really I do, and I’m certain you’d like nothing better than to be our sidekick, which is why I’m gonna give you a few pointers as to how to get into our good graces or, at the very least, keeping us from grinding your bones to make our bread.

I would like to live in a cave. Not one where you take an elevator to get down to it and the tour guide lady reminds you to dress warmly because it’s a climate-controlled 52 degree Fahrenheit cave. That’s too cold and you can bang your head on stalactites and stub your toes on stalagmites. Most people can’t remember which is which. That tour guide lady told me there’s a way to remember: “stalactite” has a “t” in it for “top.” That way, you’ll know it’s a stalactite when you bang your head on it.

I was walking down the beautiful, white washed streets of my home in sunny, southern Spain when I saw two things that combined to bring back a long suppressed memory; a drunken father staggering along with his son in tow, and a dead cat under a parked car . See my dad was sometimes a dick, to put it mildly. He was a heavy drinker, with a penchant for terrorizing his son practical jokes.

So, you want to make a fanvid! It’s an excellent idea. In addition to bringing new people to the fandom of your choice, it’s a way to exercise burgeoning editing skills, and it keeps you off the streets, which God knows you need. However, not just any vid will do. Having been on The Net

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