You can’t have a cupcake shop in a coop in the backyard, but you can have chickens.

You know you’re getting old when you wake up one day and you have no hair on your feet. One of the very first signs of aging is when you come home and find fifty pink flamingoes on your lawn, and you’re not even Italian. When you go to write a singles ad, and all you can come up with is, “Man with no future seeks woman with no past.”

You are old.

Dear Employer,

As your new marketing assistant, I just wanted to say thank you for the opportunity and… get ready for some face-melting assisting!!

When filming the final scene of The Bells of St. Mary’s in 1946, Bing Crosby and Ingrid Berman conspired on a prank. As a taciturn Father O’Malley sends a tearful Sister Benedict off to recover from her illness, he unexpectedly grabs her in a tongue-locking, passionate kiss. The crew busted up laughing.

Sixty-four years and one Pedophile Scandal later, priestly lust is no longer funny. Worse, it’s no longer taboo—just creepy. So movie priests are taking their vows of chastity more seriously than ever, and looking like priests in real life and not the ones in Madonna’s fantasies.

A hasty survey (taken at parties when I say I am going to powder my nose, but really I am checking out their fridges) of my friend’s fridges (and pantries) reveals that certain people can live without quinoa. Few of my friends are spelt-lovers. Few take the time to cut fruit with a fruit knife in the European manner—there are lots of packages of Wegman’s pre-cut melon.