Schools implement a dizzying assortment of district-mandated procedures for teachers and students: No Child Left Behind, 21st Century initiatives, and The Common Core. The latest rollout: The Tomato Method. How’s it going? Let’s find out.

Old and creepy is the new modern minimalist. Fuelled by series like Netflix’s The Haunting of Hill House, millennials have been leaving their city lofts in droves to find freedom and frights in the country.

[Cast thou eyes upon a shambling, wretched, pock-marked woman, cloaked in filth. Dark music doth bellow through the howling winds from a bladder pipe and frame drum.]

“Hi! I’m Christy. Yes, I can tell you about FAQ. What would you like to know? I’m sorry, I did not catch that. What would you like to know? What would you like to know? Okay! You’d like to know about FAQ!”

Emergency physicians at St. Catherine’s General Hospital were stunned Friday night when 37-year old local man George Turlington was brought in by paramedics, his body fused to the interior of a college mascot suit. The two-piece grizzly bear costume, normally worn by an underpaid work-study student, was apparently sutured together by an unknown force. “Synthetic fibers are always unpredictable,” said Dr. Heather Maddox, lead surgeon of the trauma unit. “It’s possible that Mr. Turlington’s body heat caused the two components to meld together, but the truth is, we’ll never know for sure.”