Fake Nonfiction

“My Life Over the Past Year, As Depicted By My Web Browser’s Favorites Bar,” by Michael Wolman

May 11th, 2011 | By

June 2010
10012 Weather Forecast and Conditions
Wedding Dresses – Wedding Engagement – Wedding Ideas – Wedding Planning – TheKnot.com
Yahoo! Finance – My Portfolio
[company name redacted] Remote Email Login
Access the [company name redacted] VPN | VPN



“The Lost Haiku of Sappho,” by Mike Miller

Apr 27th, 2011 | By

For countless generations, the romantic poetry of the Greek lyric poet Sappho (c. 630-c. 570 BCE) has tickled the ears of man and woman alike. Recent generations have misinterpreted her work as reflecting the demons of homosexuality; right-thinking scholarship, however, begs to differ. It is my purpose in this introduction, therefore, to dispel any and all scandalous rumors regarding the poet, our beloved matriarch and muse.

Though later exported to Japan by St. Francis Xavier (1506-1552 CE), the haiku poetic form dates back to ancient Greece. St. Cacostomos of Lydia writes in his compendious second-century Lives of the Lesbians that the pagan people of Anatolia claim the haiku was given to them by their god Hedone, daughter of Eros and Psyche. A common greeting amongst the heathens of this time, ‘ηδονη κυδος (hedone kudos—lit. “pleasure which is heard of,” perhaps used as a question, implying “Have you heard of pleasure?”), was often shortened to simply he~ku in speech.



“Have a Nice Day,” by Hugh Burgess

Apr 13th, 2011 | By

So I head for the MVA Express Office in Kenilworth Mall with my foot in a cast to replace my missing driver’s license and I get there at ten to stand in line just long enough to read all the signs: We Only Do Licenses Not Tags, Leave Expired Tags Here, Register to Vote Here, and No Smoking Food or Beverages, and that was okay, me no longer smoking food or beverages.



“Interview with accomplished maxillofacial surgeon and voice actor Greg Clark, D.D.S.,” by Ryan P. Carey, D.D.S.

Mar 23rd, 2011 | By

R. Carey, D.D.S.: Thanks for sitting down with me briefly to talk about your accomplishments. I want you to know that, if at any point during our talk, I seem aggressive or pressing, I’m just playing devil’s advocate.

G. Clark, D.D.S.: Fair enough. But I’d like you to know that the following topics are completely off limits—

RC: Actually, if you don’t mind, I prefer not to know in advance. I’m skilled at reading nonverbal cues as a means of discerning proximity to taboo subjects. An important part of genuine interview is being able to play this psychological game of verbal mine-sweeper.



“ESL for Birds,” by Nick Hilbourn

Mar 16th, 2011 | By

Since my days as a teacher in South Korea, I have been intrigued by ESL (English as a Second Language) instruction. After receiving further certification in the area, it occurred to me that there was one important sector of life which English had failed to conquer: birds.