NEW YORK–The stock market continues to experience huge daily swings as traders remain unable to predict or understand the Dao Jones, analysts reported Tuesday.

Greetings viewers! Yes, I realize that this is indeed in print, so I should’ve addressed you as readers, but I figured you’d more than likely stick around to read this journalistic masterpiece to judge me for my apparent “botched” opening, but alas, I have tricked you. Now that you’ve taken the bait, you have no choice

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Psychic Rob might be psychic, and clairvoyant, and yes, even telekinetic, but until he learns to use those powers for something people find generally useful, they’re going to be little better than parlor tricks. Beautiful, hamburger-delivering parlor tricks.

It’s been a rainy summer this year. Maybe not cold and rainy, like it is in this comic, but rainy nonetheless. And that, my friends, is kind of a bummer.

Two men sit in a booth in a dimly lit restaurant. One man is a newspaper reporter, the other is an FBI agent.

Okay, the tape’s rolling. So how did you find yourself surveilling the hotel room in Phoenix?

One of our men was meeting with a big-time American dealer. Our agent was posing as a Mexican drug baron looking to unload an enormous quantity of coke. The dealer was this dirtbag who sold to kids in the Tuscon area. We’d been trying to nab him for two years.