Beloved Papa,

I am ever so delighted to find myself in Amsterdam at the dawn of the new age of floral wealth! Every person I greet in the city squares is aglow with the bright future of tulips and Dutch trade. I have heard stories in the salons that the Ottoman Sultan himself is investing most of his personal fortune in Dutch tulips! Although I intended only a short sojourn before beginning my studies at Leiden University, my plans have changed. I have become apprenticed to a merchant here in Amsterdam and shall represent him in his trade discussions with his British counterparts.

Seriously, guys, I don’t even know. These characters are all pretty damn phallic, which I swear was unintentional. They all started as stick figures once upon a time. Some people might think that when I start making penis jokes, I’m running out of ideas. In actuality, it means I’m just getting started. ;)

NEW YORK–The stock market continues to experience huge daily swings as traders remain unable to predict or understand the Dao Jones, analysts reported Tuesday.

Greetings viewers! Yes, I realize that this is indeed in print, so I should’ve addressed you as readers, but I figured you’d more than likely stick around to read this journalistic masterpiece to judge me for my apparent “botched” opening, but alas, I have tricked you. Now that you’ve taken the bait, you have no choice

[continue reading…]

Psychic Rob might be psychic, and clairvoyant, and yes, even telekinetic, but until he learns to use those powers for something people find generally useful, they’re going to be little better than parlor tricks. Beautiful, hamburger-delivering parlor tricks.