Dear CBS:

You’re probably wondering why there are numerous dots instead of a noun at the beginning of the title. It’s because I couldn’t think of a catchy, yet comprehensive name for this. I was originally going to call it ‘Kids Say the Darndest Things, Still’ but the world has apparently changed. It seems a middle aged man with a tape recorder and a camera can’t just ‘borrow’ children off the street without all sorts of kerfuffle and pepper spray. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have tried to use that van for interviewing the tots. America, sadly, has lost its innocence.

You’ve been working a few years (or a few decades) at your job (aka Slavery Incorporated) and, like me, you have yet to decorate the prison cell your boss keeps telling you is your cubicle. Like Bernie Madoff, it’s time to resign to your fate, bend over and take out some knick-knacks to make your

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The old year is ending, the new year is beginning, and this is how I’ve decided to mark the occasion. A penis joke. Yes, yes, my maturity knows no bounds. Let’s all either 1.) Party or 2.) Lay around the house all night and do absolutely nothing until the stroke of midnight.

Dear Uncle Jay:

My friend Irwin’s favorite song is “Angie Baby,” sung by Helen Reddy. What he likes about it is the line, It’s so nice to be insane/no one asks you to explain…Irwin thinks that insane people have it made. He says that they are excused from the rules of conduct required from the rest of us, that they can be as rude as they want. Of course, Irwin’s idea of good manners is to raise his pinkies while chugging a 40 oz. of malt liquor at a PTA meeting, but is he finally right about something?

A diagnosis
of psychosis
is not good cause
to dis the hostess.

Merry Christmas, everyone! (You can ignore that salutation if you don’t celebrate Christmas, or if you are offended by the word “Christmas” and prefer the word “Xmas,” or if you don’t like either word because one is clearly religious while the other is clearly pornographic, or if you just hate holidays in general.)