If I hear any more poems of naturestruck wonder…

Dear New Student,

Please allow me to once again congratulate and welcome you to the Television Reality-Acting School of Hollywood. The applicant pool for the Fall 2012 semester was our largest yet. You, along with your future cohort, represent the most competitive applicants of a highly qualified and ambitious group. We at TRASH look forward to fostering the development and exploitation of your incredibly marketable skills and assets.

Welcome to the second Friday the 13th of 2012. Once again, Winslow is having medical trouble.

This time, his affliction is a little closer to home. Around this time of year, the changing weather causes me to cough my lungs, brains, and eyeballs out. It’s irritating, because over-the-counter cough medicine does absolutely nothing. Moms know it, wives know it, doctors know it, nurses know it, everyone else who matters knows it. It’s nothing more than a syrupy placebo.

One of our esteemed candidates for the Presidency made the news recently for a comment which seemed to elicit quite a few giggles from all but the most ardent of supporters. I giggled too. Of course, I’m just embarrassingly immature, so my laughter didn’t surprise me. For all I know, I might have been thinking about something completely different at the time. What are some really good reasons for sticking string cheese in light sockets? Why do people keep telling me to try it because, oh boy, you’ll be so glad you did!

That probably was not what I was thinking, because I’m thinking about it now, and it’s obviously a ridiculous idea. Reading by cheese light makes you hungry, and nobody can eat that many crackers.

The Automated Teller Cyborg (ATC) combines the convenience of an ATM with the customer support capabilities and friendly demeanor of the average underpaid bank teller. Money is easily accessible by swiping a valid bank card and pressing a few buttons. ATCs are also completely mobile, cheap to maintain (they like hamburgers), and capable of defending themselves from would-be robbers. They are the perfect blend of man and machine.

Until, of course, something goes terribly wrong.