If the title “Lizzie Borden Took an Ax” doesn’t make you question Lizzie Borden’s innocence, you’ll certainly believe she was a murderess after watching at least ten different montages of wax heads smacked open and spewing strawberry jam.

Hey there, kids. I don’t support the summoning of devils of any kind, so I don’t want you copying Winslow just so you can have your own demonic best friend. Devils are a huge responsibility, and I most of you aren’t ready for that sort of commitment. Are you going to walk your devil twice a day? Are you going to feed it souls whenever it gets hungry? Are you going to clean up after it when it goes to the bathroom on your floor, which is a worse chore than it sounds because devils pee acid and poop radioactive material? I didn’t think so. Stay away from devils, kids.

PSYCHOLOGY 1001—THE PSYCHOLOGY OF ABSOLUTELY NOTHING (4 credits)—Quite possibly the sluffiest four credits in academic history, this snoozer examines absolutely nothing, and in great detail. Most group discussion will focus on why there actually is a call for such a scholastic fiasco, other than to appease the athletic department. Grading strictly pass-fail, based entirely on attendance. Pre-requisite: PSYCHOLOGY 1000—BEGINNING CLASSROOM SLUMBER.

As you mature you start to make the shift from “barnacle in your parent’s house” to “semi-functional adult” (where most of us remain), all of it culminating in you moving out into the world on your own.

Guys (and I am talking to just the men at the moment, but women are free to listen in): Are you the sort of man who talks to your neighbors in the urinals beside you? I don’t have conversations in public restrooms unless I’m really good friends with the person. I hate it when complete strangers start talking to me while I’m trying to pee.