With all the mermaids wandering around in May, it was only a matter of time before someone got bitten by one.

A snake, man, is the easiest pet in the world to take care of. It’s raw. Buy a tank, bedding, a clay pot for water, a heat lamp, and you’re live!

From the beginning, it was clear that there were more than 15 items in her basket, more, even than 20. I know this because I obsessively counted them while I put my own items on the conveyer belt, which was difficult to do because she was hogging the whole thing with her canned tuna fish, her iceberg lettuce, and her generic spaghetti sauce. 

I know a lot of guys are growing quarantine beards right now, because why the heck not? I tried until my facial hair started driving me crazy, and I shaved it all off. I like to live my life in a constant state of rakish stubble, so the full beard just isn’t my thing.

Skin, I’m waterproof.  That’s a feature not emphasized enough when we extol the wonders of this 360-degree, wraparound envelope of living flesh that you exist inside.