Broadway producers are always on the lookout for the Next Big Thing, and I’ve got it for you: Throw Momma From the Train: The Musical. Everybody loves the late ‘80s, and everybody loves musicals, and everybody wants to murder old ladies, so this is a sure-fire hit.

My mother-in-law works near a chicken place that makes some pretty amazing sandwiches, and my eldest son is an expert at convincing her to go and get him one. And my mother-in-law, kindhearted person that she is, always picks up something for me and my wife, too. That’s why she’s awesome. Winslow clearly lives near a similar chicken place. Maybe even the same chicken place? I’m not entirely sure.

Welcome to your favorite chain grocery store! You may notice we’re in a bit of disarray this week. That’s because we’re implementing a fantastic new layout to improve your retail experience. And guess what? We don’t give a fuck what you think about it.                 

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! I hope your day is filled with smoochin’.

I’m not a fan of the national anthem. Sure, it’s beautiful in the way that ancient things are beautiful. Like when you see an old picture of your grandma, and you say, “Wow, grandma, you sure were pretty. I guess, technically, you’re still pretty compared to other old people.”