“Mommy, fourth grade is so boring! Why do I have to go to school anyway?”

“That’s a very important question, honey! Let’s play a little game, okay?”

“I like games!”

“Okay, repeat after me: Would you like fries with that?”

 “I don’t get it, mommy.”

“That’s what the people who work at Burger King say. They’re working at what’s called a poverty-wage job.”

“What’s that, mommy?”

“That’s a job where no matter how hard you work you’re always poor. Do you want to be poor and serve fries the rest of your life?”

“Why do people have to be poor, mommy?”

“Don’t worry about that, honey. Get good grades in school so you can get into a good college. Then get good grades in college so you can get a job with a good salary. And then get good reviews at your job so you can get even better salaries. Then you can pay off the loan you needed to go to a good college.”

“College costs money?”

“A lot of money! But if you get a good job that pays enough money to pay off the loan for college, then you can afford all kinds of other things. Such as our nice house. Do you know how much our nice house costs?”

“Hundreds of dollars?”

“Oh, honey, you make mommy laugh!”

“Did I make a joke?”

“Honey, our house costs half a million dollars!”

“Really? Wow!”

“This is why having a well-paying career is the most important thing. Also, every month you’ll need to put some money into a retirement plan, so when you get old you won’t be poor. You’ll also need money for a car. And also for food and clothes and fun things like movie tickets.”

“Wow, I’m going to need a lot of money!”

“Do you understand now why it’s so important to do well in school?”

“I sure do, mommy!”

“There aren’t nearly enough good jobs to go around. If you don’t become a winner and get a good job, you’ll be a loser who’s stuck with a bad job.”

“You mean a job where you say Do you want fries with that?”

“Honey, you’re so smart! That’s a good sign you won’t be a loser. If you want to be a winner, the most important thing is to attach yourself to a company with potential. Convince the company how much you care about them. Do whatever it takes to help your company succeed.”

“Okay.”

“But it’s important to never forget that the company doesn’t care about you.”

“It doesn’t?”

“It’s nothing personal, honey. Employees are a company’s biggest expense, and a company can only stay competitive by reducing expenses.”

“Mommy, I’m confused. I’m supposed to care about a company that wants to get rid of me?”

“Honey, you’re so smart! You’re going to do so well in the economy.”

“I am?”

“And if you do really good at giving your life for the economy, then you can afford to buy all kinds of things to distract you. It’s really important to buy lots of things so you don’t know that you’re not happy.”

“I’m not?”

“Well maybe you are now, but you won’t be when you’re a grown-up.”

“I won’t?”

“You’ll totally lose track of the joy of being alive, if you haven’t lost it already.”

“Oh, I haven’t lost it, mommy! Sometimes I’ll notice colors and they’re totally amazing! And sometimes I’ll be super happy for no reason. I’ll be so happy I think I’m going to explode in happiness, and it will be an explosion of rainbows and glitter. Mommy, do you have feelings like that?”

“The only way I can experience something even close to that is by getting drunk.”

“I don’t understand why people want to get drunk.”

“Honey, you say that now. But just wait until you’re a grown-up.”

“Mommy, in school I learned about global warming and climate change. Also, I heard about peak oil. Oil is running out and everything is going to get really bad.”

“Oh honey, don’t worry about that. There’s plenty of oil left for this generation.

“But mommy, if we keep burning oil, global warming will get even worse.”

“Don’t worry about that honey. It’s the next generation when it’s going to get really bad.”

“But mommy, I’m the next generation.”

“Oh, sorry honey. I meant the next generation after you.”

“But mommy, what if I have kids when I grow up?”

“Well, honey, I’m sure you’ll love them just as much as I love you.”

“But what about global warming and peak oil?”

“Honey, you can waste your time on questions like that. Or you can be practical.”

“You mean like going to school and getting good grades?”

“Exactly! I want you to do very good in school and get a very good job and make lots of money.”

“I love you too, mommy!”

————–

Scott Erickson is an award-winning writer of humor and satire. His most recent book is LAUGHING AT OUR SELF-DESTRUCTION: How to Stop Worrying and Accept the Impending Collapse of Human Civilization. His website is www.scott-erickson-writer.com