Re: Customer Inquiry 7:36pm
From: Carla Shelton, Gourmet Foods Purchasing Manager
To: Timothy B. Dalton
Dear Mr. Dalton,
Thank you for your message regarding a new product you’d like to sell in our store. Despite your assurance it’s “bad ass,” Spinach Around the Cyst is not a good fit with our artisanal products. Good luck and thank you for considering Gourmet Foods.
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Re: BAD ASS 7:37pm
From: Timmy aka TBD
To: Carla S.
Hey Miss S,
Or can I call you Carla? You can call me Timmy or my nickname, TBD (get it?) And before you ask, no, I’m not related to THE Timothy Dalton aka James Bond but I could’ve been his grandson if he’d married a short, rotund school cafeteria cook whose chin burst into boils after a day of working the fryer.
Actually, I do think my bad ass invention is a good fit for your store. I had to look up artisanal, which means made in small quantities. Great news—I only made five Spinach Around the Cysts! I heard in Chinese medicine they believe spinach clears cysts, so actually my product is artisanal and medicinal! I tested it myself by crushing spinach leaves then rubbing them over my acne. My cheeks are stinging and green, so something’s happening. Instead of wasting the spinach, I put them in a plastic bowl with American cheese, zapped it in the microwave and that’s how I came up with Spinach Around the Cyst. You see, if you eat spinach, it can clear cysts in your body! I added American cheese because everyone loves it. I’ll bring my five plastic bowls to your store on Market Street tomorrow.
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Re: Impossible 8:02pm
From: Carla Shelton, Gourmet Foods Purchasing Manager
To: Timmy
Timmy,
You may refer to me as Ms. Shelton. You misunderstood my professional tone for interest in knowing more about your product. I wasn’t interested, and now I’m appalled. Furthermore, I did a quick search on spinach in traditional Chinese medicine. It’s used to tonify yin and yang, clear heat, and lubricate the intestines. Smearing raw spinach leaves across your face does nothing but color your skin green. Another fact: American cheese isn’t artisanal. It might not be cheese, certainly not edible. Don’t bring your plastic bowls to Market Street. Your nickname is TBD, but my decision is D. It’s impossible to bring your “product” into our store.
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Re: You’re going to want this! 9:27pm
From: Timmy
To: Mrs. S
Hey Mrs. S,
Wow, I didn’t know you were an expert in Chinese medicine. Funny thing, after eating five bowls of Spinach Around the Cyst, I sat on the toilet and emptied the clip! 😉 Actually, I have another boss product your customers will definitely buy. I was cleaning out my mom’s pantry for failing History (who needs to memorize the past? I live in the NOW) and throwing out expired items. I found some old noodles and boiled them, but didn’t have sauce. Then I saw some cubes and dropped them in the water. Turns out, spaghetti in beef broth is tasty, and I realized I invented another product! I poured the broth into the used plastic bowls for cheesy essence. Speaking of essence, I named my product Gong Is Ready to be Touched. Actually, my last name is Gong. Life is pretty lonely for a fifteen-year-old, so that’s the meaning. I’ll bring my five bowls to Market Street tomorrow. See you then!
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Re: You’re going to want this! 9:28pm
From: “mailer-daemon@”
To: Timothy B. Dalton, TBD, Timmy Gong
Your message could not be delivered.
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Ayoung Kim is a writer and artist. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in Two Hawks Quarterly, Khora, and Best Travelers’ Tales, among others. Her superpower is writing as teenage boys. She is originally from San Francisco.