This interview has been excerpted from Volume 37 (Summer) of The Bulletin of the Society of Action Figure Antiquaries. A SAFA membership is required to access the full interview and color images of artifacts in situ.
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With the spring thaw well underway, several of our scholars sallied out of SAFA’s cramped archives on an expedition to a nearby river town where caches of anthropomorphic animal figurines, interchangeable mutant heads, and sabotaged diorama components have been discovered in the surrounding hills recently. The town has become something of a cynosure among action figure antiquarians, and our savvy readers undoubtedly have already guessed its name, as Saukinee is also home base to maverick action figure finder Percy Rittle. The budding play-date theorist and midden rat has had an unmistakable impact on the field with his explosive, paradigm-toppling theories and gonzo hermeneutics. Even from the dim reaches of our dusty stacks, SAFA has felt tremors—is the field ripe for a revolution led by this newcomer? It must be said that our own modest analyses of recent excavations in the realm of sandbox stratigraphy and jungle gym anthrosols have aligned agreeably with those of the growing community of Rittle-inspired independent scholars, zombie sibling anthropologists, and alternative paleontologists. Further, there were rumors that Rittle might have triangulated a matchbox battle site or alien cyborg munitions dump. We found the implications tantalizing.
We arrived in the wooded hills of outlying Saukinee on a Saturday morning, joining the unaffiliated archeologist in a clearing not far from the Rittle backyard. We found him busily extending his perimeter, clearing several feet of leaves, detritus, and coprolites. The archeological wunderkind was a mercurial, if somewhat distracted subject.
BSAFA: It’s a thrill to witness one of your digs in person. Let’s start with the location: What drew you to this section of hillside?
PR: It’s not too wet, but the leaves keep sticking to my pants. I can use my hands to dig, see?
BSAFA: Archeology is nothing if not pragmatic. Yet, it is also tempered by the human proclivity for theorizing. To paraphrase one authority, it is a discipline that must posit unobservable human behavior from indirect traces taken from deteriorated samples. Do you find it necessary to curb your own speculation?
PR: I go behind a tree if I have to.
BSAFA: We understand this embankment may hold a veritable Pompei of replicas and figurines associated with the six- to ten-year age range. There have been rumors of garishly colored sport vehicles and dinosaurs with eccentric morphologies. We have also learned that you suspect there may be foam projectiles from a former conflict somewhere in the strata.
PR: There was a war a long time ago. They made a fort up there, but only part of it is left.
BSAFA: An ancient hill fort sounds like a promising site. Have you attempted any digs there?
PR: I found some gum wrappers. There was a fight with kids from Church Street and it got wrecked. Then they teamed up and became the Purple Iguanodons.
BSAFA: Times of chaos yield rich findings for our field. Was there much unrest during this period?
PR: They didn’t fight after that. But they marked the spot. I think it was right around there. See that tree?
BSAFA: The one with “Patrick” carved with the violent crudity of Akkadian into its gray bark?
PR: That’s JC’s older brother. He was in the Purple Iguanodons.
BSAFA: And so, the echo of a bellum iustum whispers to us here on this quiet, wooded slope. One might be forgiven for seeming to still hear echoes of the bellicose cries and hoarse gurgles that must have catenated the air on that fatal day.
PR: Uh huh.
BSAFA: What other relics of these clashes do you believe might yet lie below our feet?
PR: Kevin said JC told him his brother lost his marbles here.
BSAFA: A lowbrow euphemism?
PR: No, a big bag—he said it had cats-eyes, steelies, corkscrews, and swirlies. I think all his army men got buried here too and he could never find them.
BSAFA: The hubris of Qin Shi Huang and his Terracotta Army springs to mind. When did he lose these curios?
PR: A long time ago—maybe four years? If they’re really old, they could be worth a lot.
BSAFA: This brings up the ongoing quandary of the ethics of ownership, salvage rights, and stewardship. For example, the Elgin Marbles are still not in Greece.
PR: You can’t grease them—that’s cheating.
BSAFA: Now, this technique you are demonstrating of rapidly propelling dirt backwards between your legs with your hands is a new method to us. How would you describe it?
PR: Digger dog. I found something! It’s plastic.
BSAFA: Fascinating—note its incredibly elongated neck. Could this be Mamenchisaurus sinocanadorum?
PR: No, it’s a dinosaur. Here’s another one. It has horns.
BSAFA: That one has the look of a ceratopsian.
PR: I think it’s just a Triceratops. Look at this one—it’s purple. No way!
BSAFA: What treasure hath the curious spade?
PR: It’s the Purple Iguanodon!
BSAFA: Momentous! You have discovered the clan totem.
PR: Look how purple it is. That’s what gave them the secret power. Now I have it . . . the power of the Purple Iguanodon.
BSAFA: Holding it above your head while kneeling certainly adds gravitas. What do you intend to do with this incredible find?
PR: I’m not giving it to JC. Finders keepers.
BSAFA: An understandable sentiment. Although the historical museum in Senaketty, for example, would seem a sensible repository.
PR: I have to keep it because now I’m the leader of the New Purple Iguanodons. The power is flowing through me. Szzzz.
BSAFA: Indeed, bowing to the four cardinal points while sibilating could approximate a martial ritual the clan might have practiced before a battle.
PR: Szzzz. The power is growing stronger. It’s too much! Szzzz.
BSAFA: Sadly, that continues to be the attitude of the field. Though powerful, the insights afforded us via immersion archeology and other branches of performative science remain underappreciated. Where are you going now?
PR: Must . . . go . . . to Sanctuary. Losing . . . control. Szzzz.
BSAFA: Quite so! Thank you for sharing your praxis with us. We and our readers look forward to hearing about the Sanctuary of the Purple Iguanodon in the future.
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B Myers writes pure barmy from a safe location in Michigan. Recent whoppers can be found in Teleport Magazine, Collidescope, 96th of October, Archive of the Odd, Cast of Wonders, and The Disappointed Housewife.