Looking ahead to conditions this week, there is a normal and natural cycle of heat waves in the South and Midwest as an undocumented surge of fronts moves across the US-Mexico border on Sunday, the holy day of the Sabbath.
On Monday, regions in the South will experience another series of northern atmospheric aggressions with cold fronts bringing thunderstorms, high winds, and oppressive government overreach. After an initial series of ineffectual left-leaning frontal bands passes through, a strong high-pressure system, conservatively estimated at 1029.3 millibars, will make the American weekend great again.
As the normal and natural hurricane season picks up in the Atlantic, Tropical Storm Undocumented Alien Tony Montana strengthened as it passed near Cuba this weekend, drawing on the warm waters and Marxist ideology. The storm is expected to become a Category Uno hurricane as it crosses illegally from the Gulf to the coast of Florida, bringing high winds and high-grade cocaine. The governor of Florida has already issued warnings that the storm will contaminate drinking water and your daughters.
Dangerous levels of heat continue to persist in the Southwest, where the communist sun is handing out free solar energy, threatening at-risk groups like children, the elderly, and oil executives. However, a cold snap in northern Alaska last week proves that climate change is nothing but a radical liberal woke fear-mongering hoax.
In the long-term forecast across much of the country, the weather is completely normal. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everything is fine.
Air quality indices in cities along the east coast dropped sharply due to smoke from the wildfires raging across Canada, because the Canadian government’s expensive social safety net provides no incentive to put them out. Millions of acres of boreal forest have gone up in blah blah blah, no one cares. As the smoke crosses that sacred line to America the Beautiful, it enjoys complete Constitutionally protected freedom of expression as it moves from the amber waves of grain to the purple mountain’s majesty regardless of class, color, or creed.
Remember to set your clocks back, too, as the government wants to dictate every aspect of your lives, even the time you wake up. Woke up. Woke. Woke-ity woke woke.
Back to you, Tucker.
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Looking ahead at conditions this week, record-breaking temperatures caused personally by the Trump family call into question the entire capitalist-industrialist-military complex. Recent atmospheric reports indicate that climate change is climbing in your window and snatching your people up, trying to rape ‘em so you better hide your kids, hide your wife and hide your husband.
A series of weather fronts seeking asylum on Sunday were ordered to remain in Mexico, where offspring storm cells were separated from their parent storms. Nonbinary Hurricane They made landfall yesterday in Karen, the state formerly known as Florida, causing massive inequality and defunding of the arts. Experts are recommending that everyone live, laugh, and love.
Dangerous levels of heat in Texas and Arizona, caused by book burnings and burning crosses, forced Republican legislators to cool off by bathing in the tears of immigrant children. It’s also too hot for the avocado toast food trucks to operate, which totally blows. Smoke from wildfires across Canada are causing east coast cities to have natural orange Instagram filters.
Unseasonably cold weather in the north slope of Alaska, somehow caused by Trump Tower, is still not cold enough to stop the melting of glaciers. These are also known as the Tears of Mother Earth or Gaia, Terra, Pachamama, Dewi Sri, Amalur, Papatūānuku, Asaase Afua, Daishizen, 지구.
In the long-term forecast across much of the country, everything is completely screwed. Everything. Is screwed. Everyone is. Screwed. Everything. Is. Screwed.
That’s it for The Daily, I’m Michael Barbaro. See you tomorrow.
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Joe is a writer in Haines, Alaska. Joe has no internet and works as an IT technician. He lives off-grid and plays electric bass and to relax, goes biking in blizzards.
His writing has appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Daily Science Fiction, TOLKA, and elsewhere.
Find his work at: https://jaultmanmoore.wordpress.com/publications-2/ and on Instagram @joeaultmoore.