Welcome to Stan’s idiom store. Here is our current list of products to help you avoid common idioms.

The eleven-foot pole. (Useful in touching things you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole)

The short-tail cat. (Needed if you have a small apartment but still want to say you have enough room to swing a cat in.)

The asbestos shoes. (Needed if someone wants to hold your feet to the fire.)

The transparent sweater. (Be sure to wear one if you think someone wants to pull the wool over your eyes.)

The barrel with a Teflon bottom. (You’ll never have to worry again about having to scrape the bottom of the barrel.)

The cloths-line cutter. (A must-have item if you are about to be hung out to dry.)

The emergency canoe. (If you live downstream and someone says “that’s all water over the dam.”)

The large happy kitty bag with room for food and water dishes, a kitty-litter box and play toys. (Useful if you don’t want to let the cat out of the bag.)

The Wernher von Braun face mask. (Useful if you’re doing a difficult task, and someone wants to tell you what you’re doing is not rocket science.) 

Gun lotion. (Apply to your guns so you don’t have to stick to your guns.)

The youth protective cage. A wire mesh cage you can put over a child. (It makes it difficult to take candy from a baby.)

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Stan Dryer is the pen name of an author who lives in southern New Hampshire. Recently, he has had 22 short stories and humorous pieces published in a variety of magazines including Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine, Mystery Magazine, Fabula Argentea, Write Launch, and Defenestration. His work, humorous, murderous or otherwise, may be seen on his blog, www.standryer.com.