Beautiful, mid-century modern, daylight basement home built in 1960 for sale in thriving southeast Portland. Sitting on 1/3 of an acre, this property feels like a country oasis in the middle of the city. At just over 2,000 square feet and with room to add an ADU in the future, this can be your forever home as well as your income property. The land is lined with well-manicured arbore vitaes that turn a stunning brown in the summer, and beautiful local trees have been planted within the last two years to help offset the carbon footprint of the newly installed central air conditioning.
Quartz countertops in the kitchen give plenty of room to cook those large holiday meals that the family enjoys, and the appliances are all brand new. The original hardwood floors have been refinished, and the honey stain gives the house a warm glow and keeps with the original charm of the design.
Do you have a green thumb? The front yard of the home is laid out like a food forest so that each plant is paired perfectly with symbiotic plants that will help it flourish. Within a few years there will be a self-sustaining ecosystem that will provide endless bounties of food.
If it’s fruit you crave, the backyard features a small orchard of plum trees that line the south side of the property. These lush trees provide fruit for all the local animals, as well as enough to turn a profit at the local farmer’s market. This, along with the fruitful blackberry forest, should provide enough sweet treats to last the year. And yes, I said blackberry forest. No matter the extent to which you cut them back, those vines thrive. You can coat them in bleach, blackberry killer, set them on fire, and have your children pee on them. They will not go quietly into that good night.
The retaining wall in the backyard was replaced less than a year ago and a French drain was installed as well. The drainage problems that once existed here are a thing of the past with the new stone and concrete reinforced wall that keeps the black sludge at bay. The “water” runs down the hill and onto the property. Now instead of sitting like fetid pools that smell of corpse juices, that fluid is rerouted into a drain that takes it off the property and dumps into the neighbor’s front yard. Don’t worry, they don’t mind. I mean, we’ve never seen them and who knows, they may not even be alive in there, but that just means quiet nights for you!
Are you a reptile fanatic? Then this is the house for you. In the springtime you will notice that a small army of garter snakes will emerge from their winter cave (which is located beneath the house somewhere under the downstairs den) in droves. The sun will shimmer and catch the scales on their backs and bellies and hypnotize you with their wide array of colors. Some are venomous, others are not. Use the winter to learn as much as you can about the species because they are territorial and fear no human, as they have resided under this house since the beginning of time. In early summer and then again in late summer, the female snakes will return to the front doorstep to give birth to their babies. You can even catch the event on your Ring doorbell camera for a keepsake! Since your new home will be right in the middle of the great snake highway, some days you will emerge to find a clutch of snakes skittering out of the culvert in front and to the adjoining property where they have a snake compound set up under a thick canopy of English ivy.
Speaking of ivy, do you love the feel of an old, abandoned English manor home that’s cursed with the spirits of the former residents roaming the land? Then you’ll love the English ivy that surrounds the estate. No matter what you do, or how much you try in vain to pull it out, it will never stop coming. It’s already claimed the shed under the massive fir tree. Just let it have the shed. Buy another one.
Now, as far as spirits go, I can guarantee that the property is almost completely free of ghosts and other specters. I say “almost” as there are a gang of ghost cats that live downstairs, and what kind of monster would I be if I exorcised them from their beloved home? Speaking of exorcised, your new home will come with its very own imp. Yes, a demon in residence who stands as tall as a ghost cat and demands offerings, lest he unleash a waking hellscape on the residents. While the imp will accept coins, he much prefers the skulls of skunks and the vertebrae of snakes that he can use to play knucklebone. It’s a sort of dice-like game for more bones he plays with the other demonic entities that reside in the nearby cemeteries.
That’s right, not one, but two large and aged cemeteries sit atop the hill above the home. There you can walk the trails, see the roots of ancient trees eject coffins from the soil and listen to the frantic screams of wild bunnies being killed. Perfect for date night or performing the ritual of calling forward the Scarlet Woman and ushering in the Antichrist along with the end times.
With the demons and spirits, there is only one other you need worry yourself with while living here. Our resident incubus. A hellish, gelatinous mass that lies under your bed waiting for you to fall asleep so it can have its way with you and suck the life breath from you whilst you are trapped in your sleep. He’s an unselfish lover but gets prickly when you survive the night.
Should you decide to make an offer, please include a letter with your astrological information and whether you are Persian. The soul of the woman who used to own the home is still here and would prefer not to cohabitate with Persians, even if they do make a very fashionable rug. She also has been known to wail and sob in the night while she roams the halls in a cloud of ethereal grief.
To maintain balance on the property, once a month, on the full moon, you must step into the moonlight nude with a bowl of water and infuse it with the powers of the moon. When you’re finished, produce your goats head, and chant the prayer to Baphomet I will include in your closing documents. If you need a source for fresh, organic goat heads don’t hesitate to reach out!
As for the tornado-like, energetic portal that is responsible for the overall vibe of the home, it sits just outside the back door and WILL send you into an alternate dimension that resembles a rustic Bavarian town if you get too close. Also, the energetic pull mixed with the gravity of our planet will prolapse your anus. Up to you if that’s a plus or a minus.
From time to time, people will leave stray, feral cats and aborted fetal tissue on the front step. In that case there is a forwarding address that you can reference and deliver those items to. And you will deliver those items. Don’t even think about throwing them away and pretending that you delivered them to the intended recipient. Your home will be swarmed with bot flies that will bore into your flesh and or/anus depending on the status of the prolapse of said anus and your genitals will turn black and rot off.
If all this sounds like the home you’ve been searching for, then make an offer today. This gem won’t last long.
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Erin Potter was a featured guest writer and performer on Chuck Palahniuk’s Fall 2023 book tour, opening for him in Portland. Chuck has said Erin is “A standout writer, a crowd favorite and the next Nora Ephron.” She also wrote and hosted two different comedy podcasts and lives in Portland, Oregon, with her husband and two kids. Erin eats too much cheese and cross stitches animals in fancy dresses in her downtime. Her website is https://www.erinpotterplow.com/.